A white home counties roadman gets a Valentine's card from peng gyal

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has received a hanonymous Valentine’s card from a secret gyal admirer.

Wagwan? Man is bare gassed. Superswag Active J scored a peng Valentine’s Day card on him’s desk in history today, innit.

Man ‘ad no hidea who left da card, but dickhead Drilla went round mandem’s crew sayin’ it woz from Miss Jackson. It wasn’t, coz on da henvelope it ‘ad ‘Active J’, an’ Miss Jackson calls man ‘Joshua’, innit. Man woz bare vexed, Drilla woz dead at break.

Da card said in da big red writin’ ‘Be my Valentine ‘n’ ting’ wiv hearts on it, an’ inside it said ‘Man is peng’ an’ ‘U is da 1 4 me, innit’. Man knew it woz a hexpensive card coz da teddy bear on da front woz flexin’ Air Max 95s an’ North Face drip.

Den at da break time, man goes on da hastroturf for him’s vape an’ to give wasteman Drilla a bare poundin’, an’ Lady G comes up to man an’ sez it woz her’s dat left da card. Man woz gassed, bruv.

Den Lady G gets bare closer to man’s face, innit, an’ sez him’s breath is rank. Man said her’s woz too, coz it stink of stale Monster and Peach Melba vape, den we smiled an’ her’s say Active J is dench, an’ man sez gyal is nang peng, still. Den Lady G bare kissed Active J, full on da lips, innit.

Blud! Man woz so bustin’ gassed wiv swag, man hactually forgot him’s beef ting wiv deadman Drilla. An’ one of Lady G’s gyaldem filmed da kiss. So now we is more than friends, we is lipsing on TikTok. Nang, innit.

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Woman who has never had to use an app giving dating advice

A WOMAN who has never had to download an app and swipe through awful profiles is daring to give dating advice, it has emerged.

Eleanor Shaw met her partner before Tinder and Hinge transformed dating into a dreary exchange of genital photos yet seems to think she knows what she is talking about when it comes to finding love.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “She reckons you can just go up to someone in person and introduce yourself. I think she might be clinically insane.

“Doesn’t she know that dating now involves creating a bullshit impression of yourself with photos from five years ago when you looked hot? Nobody forms an attraction based on personality anymore, we’re just all looking for someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously, whatever that means.

“When Eleanor was last single there was still time to save the climate crisis and Toblerones weren’t a pisstake. So pardon me for discarding any advice she might have for being woefully out of date.

“Anything she has to say will sound bizarrely antiquated, like suggesting using a mangle to dry clothes. She hasn’t trawled the wastelands of dating apps in search of a remotely decent person who doesn’t take gym selfies. And until she does, I will not listen to her.”

Shaw said: “Wear a peony in your bonnet and the boys will be clamouring to dance the bunny hop with you. Failing that, slip into something that shows off your baps. Works every time.”