Which type of contraception will ruin sex most for you?

YOU’VE achieved the unachievable, defied the limitations of your body and personality and found someone willing to fuck you regularly. Well done. 

But there’s a real body of scientific evidence linking heterosexual coupling and pregnancy. So you need to use contraception, but which will inhibit your sex life the most?


Perfect for anyone who likes a firm dividing line between foreplay and penetrative sex, and likes to spend it faffing around trying to get the slippery fuckers out of their foil and onto a rapidly deflating dick. Logistically it’s enough to make you go all-oral. But they’re easy to buy and keep around and you bought a 12-pack, so you stick with it.

The pill

The preferred option of men, remembering to take a pill every day is a great way for women to wonder if one simultaneous orgasm every four months is worth it. Forgetful? Paranoid? Or simply not a big fan of STIs? Save yourself the stress as you’ll end up using a condom just in case anyway.


Why not enjoy minor surgery so your boyfriend doesn’t have to pull out just as he’s enjoying himself? After all, there’s no way he’d do the same for you. Getting a contraceptive sewn under your skin is like something in a sci-fi movie, but with superpowers of irregular periods, anxiety, weight gain and getting spunked up while remaining baby-free.


All the stress and more of the mess of a condom, but this time it’s all up to the woman. If you’re confident you’ll still be horny even after you’ve dicked around reapplying spermicide each time you have sex, go ahead and get one. And later, cystitis.


That this is still a popular choice when it promises longer, heavier periods shows how shitty all the other options must be. The upside is once it’s up there you won’t have to think about it! Your boyfriend might though, because he’s repeatedly plunging his dick into a wire trap. It won’t stop him.


Do you trust a man who forgets where his car keys are every fucking day to remember to pull out of you at the moment when he’s at his most distracted? You’ll spend the entire sexual act wondering whether the moment has come and hoping he’s judged it right. He only has to get it wrong once.


A bulletproof contraception method with the added bonus of triggering a crisis of manhood in the gentleman involved. It seems the ideal option to anyone who doesn’t have a penis, but for those who do, there is little more chilling than the thought of someone taking a scalpel to their scrotum. Also, any man who’s had the snip will cheat for sure.

No contraception whatsoever

The most batshit insane and popular option. Think contraception fucks sex up? Try having a child. Introducing a baby into your life so you can snap at each other through a fog of exhaustion and resentment is the most effective of contraception of all.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

They should have a third expression added to those theatre masks. A bored one, reflecting what it’s actually like watching a play.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

You can’t change your football team. So even though you became a fan when you were eight and didn’t know they were fictional, you’re Melchester Rovers for life.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

They should even things up a bit by hunting a horse on foxes every other year.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Would you break a bufferfly on a wheel? No. No, in fact you can’t imagine how that logistically would be achieved.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

To encourage smokers in their quitting journey, manufacturers should make one cigarette in every pack a firework.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

‘Speak softly, and carry a big stick’ is the code of the lollipop lady.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Anyone describing themselves as a self-made man is lying. They were actually made by their parents fucking like beasts.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

You send your mate Steve to see the Guns ’N’ Roses tribute at the Pavilion. If the real band can’t be arsed turning up, neither can you.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Turn off radiators in unused rooms to save money. Because everyone has at least two or three rooms they don’t use, and often closer to 10 or 20.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Bouillabaisse: The original energy drink!

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

You don’t believe in the moon landing. Who would bother going somewhere so boring? At least Nuneaton has got a Greggs.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

At parties at the British embassy in the small mid-European country of Ferrero Rocher they serve pyramids of Scotch eggs.