Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Roy Wood wishes it could be Christmas every day. Bet he does, come January 1st he’s making fuck all royalties.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

Remember, it goes: Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, died a bit later but still eventually died.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

‘I regret ever getting that parrot,’ your parrot says, mournfully.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

The postie knows when you’re getting sex toys delivered. Partly from the name of the parent company on the box, partly because you shout ‘Oh great! My vibrating anal beads have arrived!’

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

Whichever townie twat came up with the phrase ‘the cream of the crop’ managed to confuse two very different types of farming.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

What’s bigger, a shitload or a fuckload? Quick, it’s for a customs declaration.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Being a Libra is a real balancing act between being a massive fuckwit and being a stupid bastard. It’s in the stars, it must be true.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

They shouldn’t call those plants succulents. They taste anything but.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

It’s no wonder people love the shipping forecast on Radio 4 so much. Have you heard the rest of Radio 4?

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Whoever named that pig Babe should be on a register.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

You’re one of those people who believes in crystals. You don’t see the sense in not believing in them. They’re there, after all.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

The Strictly formula’s got boring. They should do what failing movie franchises do and set the next one in space.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the duplicitous idiocy of Sarah pissing Vine

WAKING in a skip on an industrial estate in what would appear to be Doncaster, bedded down in the broken glass of a gross or more of rum bottles, I sigh. 

Having ascertained with a finger dab I am indeed smeared in goat faeces, I promise myself that I will never again agree to Christmas drinks with Gloria Hunniford.

I remove myself, am jetwashed by a kindly native, hitch a lift to London and return to my chambers where I read that Matt Hancock is to quit as a Conservative MP, explaining that he wishes to explore ‘other ways to communicate with people’.

Christ’s left bollock in a sweet-and-sour sauce, that is some pseudo-selfless bullshit right there. What are you gonna do, Hancock? Live in the hills as a Tory guru, subsisting on wild berries and squatting on top of a 20 foot pole in a fucking loincloth, preaching the virtues of austerity and trickle-down economics to pilgrims ? ‘Other ways to communicate’, my arse! Your constituents were pissed off with you spending the time you should have been spending at your fucking surgery in fucking Australia with your head in a bucket of wallaby shit! You jumped before you were kicked, you vapid, arse-groping twat!

Meghan Markle and Harry Windsor have been criticised for their Netflix documentary discussing difficulties within the Royal Family, including a light-hearted anecdote about Meghan meeting the Queen. ‘Why is it okay for Meghan to mock our culture in this way? Or does racism only work one way?’ thundered Sarah Vine.

Yes! Yes, racism does only work one fucking way, you poisonous, self-pitying bint! If you think there’s any equivalent between your performative outrage as a fucking white person and the shit black people have to put up with on a fucking daily basis, aided and abetted in good part by shrieking shitrags like the Daily Mail, you’ve another think coming fast and hard upside your fucking head! You’re living proof that being literally fucked by Michael Gove, as opposed to metaphorically like the rest of us, addles the brain!

Meanwhile, one of Britain’s finest Royal writers Robert Hardman has said of the documentary ‘Thank goodness our late Queen didn’t have to endure this.’

Seriously, you sycophantic fuck? I wonder if the Queen would go along with this? If she hadn’t had a policy of never saying anything about anything, living or dead, she might have said, ‘Actually, you grovelling little buffoon, I might have preferred to have lived a few more months not least so that I could have had a fucking laugh at Liz Truss rather than turned up my toes! It’s a fucking documentary! I’d have ignored it and watched whatever was on Disney Plus or whatever the fuck! You think I’d actually rather die? I lived through the Spitting Image years, what the fuck do you think that was like? Stupid cunt!’

Finally, Rishi Sunak declared himself ‘absolutely shocked’ by the allegations levelled against Michelle Mone in the PPE scandal.

Really? Corruption and millions syphoned from the fucking purse in the Tory party, of all places? What else are you ‘absolutely shocked’ by? ‘I’m absolutely shocked at the Catholic faith of the Pope,’ says Sunak. ‘I’m absolutely shocked to learn of the amount of bearshit in the woods.’ ‘I’m absolutely shocked to discover that Piers Morgan is a colossal fucking cunt.’ ‘I’m absolutely shocked that an unscrupulous little weasel, richer than a submarine of Nazi gold but still given to lecturing the cash-strapped public on tightening their belts could become leader of the Conservative Party,’ says Sunak. ‘Absolutely shocked’! Call the fucking fire brigade, there’s a bloke here with his head wedged right up his own arse!