Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries, March 21st–April 19th

Make your games of Cluedo incredibly popular by replacing Professor Plum with Jeffrey Dahmer.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

It’s ridiculous when people write ‘c**t’. You’re allowed to say ‘celt’. We’re all adults here. We all know what a celt is.

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

You’ve got another Facebook message from a hot woman who implausibly has no friends. Confuse the scammers by encouraging her to join a Zumba class instead of trying to sleep with her.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Is there anything more egotistical than a father naming his son after himself? Better to give him a name that lets him be his own person, like Caesar or Ajax.

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

If you’re under 18, appear old enough to get served in off-licences by referring to ‘Instantgram’ and your Lycos email.

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Fellas – hold up a Waitrose frozen lobster on Tinder for a better class of shag.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

It’s surprising how many people think aliens are real now. On a related note, do you want to own a lucky invisible pixie for just £499.95? Just email Comes with a certificate of authenticity from the Pixie Council of Great Britain.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 21nd

Stop people going on about how amazing Dune is by telling them about the weird one where Paul’s son turns into a sandworm.

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

Wherever you find yourself in life, drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is, ‘What can I snort off an escort’s tits in a Premier Inn?’

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, apart from your dad’s new girlfriend who’s from Cheshire and thinks she’s posh or something.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Life’s too short for petty feuds, so bury the hatchet with a relative you don’t see eye-to-eye with. Don’t bury the beef bayonet, that’s a different thing.

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

You share your star sign with Harvey Weinstein, Reinhard Heydrich and Kurt Cobain. Whichever path in life you choose, it’s not looking good, is it?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… don't drop the fucking soap, Donald

WAKING up in the lion enclosure at Regent’s Park Zoo, I am aware of one of the beasts padding menacingly towards me. Fragments of memory return: following a late evening with the Bishop of York, we broke into the zoo and, in an attempt to recreate the story of Daniel (Daniel 6:22), I shinned over the fence to join the big cats. 

In my instance, it is not the God of Israel that saves me. Rather, as the lion approaches me practically nose-to-nose, I breathe directly into its face several times. The strength of the stale lager, rum and Tesco vodka fumes renders the animal immediately drowsy and it rolls onto its back, purring tipsily.

With a civil nod to the visitors outside the enclosure looking on and screaming hysterically, I make my exit, returning to my chambers, there to peruse a periodical. 

I read that the Daily Mail has set up a special ‘Woke Watch’, in which readers are invited to send in examples of how rampant wokeness has ruined their lives. ‘Has your school gone pronouns mad?’ they ask. ‘Worried you’ve lost your freedom of speech at your university?’

Oh my aching cock, are you shitting me in the fucking eyes? Global boiling, a massive cost-of-living crisis, an impending recession and you think anyone but the most boggle-eyed, pullovered fucking lunatic has time to worry about the non-existent problems you pull out of your arse as a fucking distraction from real ones? Ones which you either caused or make worse through your continued fucking existence? ‘Freedom of speech at your university’ makes me laugh. As if anyone who still reads the fucking Daily Mail is intellectually qualified to go to kindergarten, let alone fucking university!

Donald Trump was arraigned this week on four felony counts over his efforts to overturn the 2020 presidential election. For all his customary braggadocio, he was said to have looked somewhat subdued in the courtroom as he pled not guilty.

Fuck me up the vestry, I’ll say he was subdued. He was fucking shitting it! His leaking arse was sending a message to his brain that he is absolutely fucked! If it’s not this, it’ll be another of the list of felonies as long as his stupid fucking tie! And it serves the cunt right! I hope he has to share his fucking prison cell with a 32-stone psychopath sent down on a charge of fucking a rhinoceros to death! 

The German women’s football team suffered a ‘shock defeat’ in the World Cup, crashing out after a draw with the Korean Republic. In a previous tournament, the British commentator had remarked, ruefully, that the Germans, both the men’s and women’s teams, ‘always win’.

Hahahahahahaha, do they fuck! Where the fuck does this come from? They’ve been getting their arsches handed to them on a regular basis for fucking years! 1994! Kicked out of the fucking World Cup by Bulgaria! 2001! Thrashed at home 5-1 by fucking England of all teams! 2004! Crashed out of the Euros because they couldn’t even beat fucking Latvia! 2010! Beaten by fucking Serbia! 2018! Last in their World Cup group after South fucking Korea beat them 2-0! 2020! Beaten soundly by England! Last week! Women’s team beaten by fucking Columbia! Fucking Dick Dastardly and Muttley win more often then the Germans do! You’ve almost got to feel sorry for the cunts!

Finally, it seems that Alistair Campbell, formerly press secretary for Labour in the Blair era, is enjoying great success with his podcast The Rest Is Politics, co-hosted by the former Conservative MP Rory Stewart. 

Mother Mary’s wooden fucking sex toy, how the fuck does this dodgy fucking cunt fucking get away with it? You’d think the fucking Iraq war took place in 1376 or something, the way it’s fucking vanished from public memory! Any normal human being with Campbell’s fucking previous would have turned themselves in at the Hague years ago out of sheer fucking shame at the hundreds and thousands dead, but not this loathsome twat! Ah, but the civility, though, the civility of two political adversaries chatting civilly, with civil civility. Fuck civility! He’s a fucking Tory, you shouldn’t be hobnobbing with him, you should be biting the fucker’s head off! He’s a fucking Tory and they’ve been responsible for almost as many deaths this century as you, you cunt!