A confused Millennial tries… to understand how people ever smoked indoors

By Josh Gardner, who thinks TikTok is a reliable news source

SMOKING is evil. The only people who smoke are drunk middle-aged women outside clubs and people in black and white films. Yes, I smoke three spliffs a day but that’s different. It’s natural drugs from a local dealer, not an evil corporation.

I’ve had it drummed into me all through school how bad smoking is, so imagine my shock when my dad casually mentioned that when he started work in the olden days, people smoked in the office! Then mum chipped in and said they smoked in pubs too!

They even used to light up cigarettes in restaurants. Apparently they had ‘smoking sections’. Didn’t they know that smoke can float around wherever it decides to? People were really thick in the past.

There’s so much to unpack here. Dad’s first office was definitely not paperless. They didn’t have email so they wrote letters on paper and put them in envelopes. They also had printers which used reams of joined-together paper. Then they lit up a fag!

It was an inferno waiting to happen. How the whole country wasn’t constantly ablaze and everyone didn’t die in a fire, I’ll never know. It’s a miracle I’m here to make Barbenheimer memes.

And as for smoking in a pub, well, I rarely go into one, unless my dad forces me because he wants to have a bonding moment now I’m 18. I don’t get it. Why do people want to sit in a dingy room that has, at most, a single screen in it, and drink disgusting beer? It’s gross. But if people smoked in them it would be even more disgusting. Apparently they flicked their ash into special trays that were kept on the table top. What the fuck, guys?

Then they started reminiscing about being able to smoke on the train. There was a special carriage apparently, full of people puffing away. Apparently you could smoke on planes too. And in school staff rooms. You could even smoke in hospitals.

There must have been burning planes falling from the sky all the time, and piles of dead children everywhere from passive smoking at school. I bet if you had an operation the surgeon and all the nurses would be flicking ash in you. That is so unhygienic.

Mum says times change and things that are actually pretty weird seem normal at the time, but she’s probably got brain damage from the chemicals in cigarettes. Right, I’m off to play Call of Duty with horrible strangers who literally scream ‘FAG!’ at me for six hours. It’s great.

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How to pretend your Amazon package never arrived and get a refund, by Cillian Murphy

OPPENHEIMER star Cillian Murphy might be Hollywood’s hottest property, but that doesn’t mean he’s above the occasional Amazon scam. They’re insured anyway, probably. Here are his tips. 

Say it never turned up

I’m super-busy so I’m often forced to ignore my principles and buy the odd thing from Jeff Bezos. And you have to admit next-day delivery is pretty handy. However I take a stand by simply lying about the item never having arrived and getting a full refund. The simplest scams are often the best, and it’s served me well getting free athlete’s foot powder when I don’t want to spend £3.47. I’m fighting the power. And fungal infections.

Don’t leave loose ends

To get the refund one thing is key. DO NOT get photographed in a doorstep delivery snap. That’s a real smoking gun. What I do is simple. Whenever I’m expecting a delivery, like some 60W lightbulbs or a new chopping board, I get the makeup guys from 28 Days Later to spend several hours transforming me, head to toe, into a zombie. 

That way, even if you get clocked, you have indisputable evidence you never got the parcel – it was sent to a reanimated corpse, and they’re not worth pursuing for the price of some oven gloves. I’ve saved over £14 with this trick since 2019.

Say your neighbour won’t give you it

As an actor, I’ve worked with some of the best writing and directing talent on the planet, so I know a thing or two about creating a convincing narrative. Mine is that my 78-year-old neighbour has lost his marbles and threatens me with a hammer when I try to get a parcel off him. It sounds pretty dramatic when I do it. I knew going to drama school would come in handy one day.

If that fails, just charm the Amazon rep by telling them you were in the Batman films and you can get them tickets to the premiere of your next blockbuster. Admittedly that only works if you’re Ben Affleck or another Hollywood A-lister, but who knows? Amy Adams might reading this and fancy a free cheese grater.

Stage a complex heist

If Amazon STILL won’t give you the cash – or the equivalent in vouchers – for the £1.99 you spent on some double-sided tape, then it’s time to bring out the big guns. I film and edit a complex heist video using my Ring doorbell then send it to Amazon HQ. Sorted – they can’t argue with video evidence of my parcel being nicked.

Just a word of advice if you’re planning to do the same – don’t make it obvious that the robbers are Tom Hardy and four-time Academy Award nominee Christian Bale. They’ll spot them a mile off and you’ll never get back the seven quid you spent on teeth whitening strips.