Premium

EVERY Christmas, Norway gifts Britain a 20-metre tall spruce in thanks for our air during World War Two, in a tradition the country is unable to stop without looking a dick.

If the driver of the bus you are on is behaving in a rude and aggressive fashion, demand he stop. He represents you all and you can’t have your name attached to this.

WAKING with a clear head, feeling fully hydrated, the elevated state of the bedclothes alerts me that I am in possession of a massive and particularly rigid erection.

THE BBC pretends he doesn’t exist. ITV tried to smear him. But there has not been an orgasm in this country post-2013 not accompanied by the thought of Nigel Farage.

PIN-UP and Wonka star Chalamet tells us why fame hasn’t changed him and he still sticks a Yorkie up his jumper whenever he pops into a high street newsagent.

CAN Oliver O’Connor, aged 25, get over the fact 24-year-old Lucy Parry is simultaneously a professional model and somehow not the best-looking woman he has ever seen?

People love TV shows about grotesquely obese people, so once I’m over 90 stone the offers will come rolling in. I’m fully prepared to be bedridden and unable to perform basic tasks.

Ultimately, home swimming pools are like any other home gym equipment. You feel guilty about never using them except to store clothes.

WAKING caked in vomit, my head pounding like Mr Fred Flintstone at his front door and my underwear clearly bearing a double load but otherwise fine, I recall this week’s events.

‘YOU remember,’ Akshata says, ‘she did it every two weeks. Press conference, Downing Street, everyone expecting she resigns then she says “Vote for my Brexit.”’