All 26 members of the England World Cup squad and how they'll individually let us down

THE England World Cup squad has been named, much to the country’s regret. Here’s how each of them will disgrace the shirt: 

Jordan Pickford So angry at conceding a late equaliser against the USA, his head literally pops like a grape.

Nick Pope Forced into action for the Wales game, Nick suddenly remembers a cracking family holiday on a caravan park in Rhyl. His lapse in concentration is all Gareth Bale needs to score a hat trick.

Aaron Ramsdale Bored by his lack of playing time, Aaron starts an illegal Shove Ha’Penny league which totally divides the squad. He wins £1.2 million from Arsenal teammate Ben White.

Trent Alexander-Arnold Spends the tournament making buzzing noises through blades of grass from the pitch.

Conor Coady To boost team morale, the centre-half performs a risqué ventriloquist routine which spectacularly fails to land.

Eric Dier Stands very close to an opposition player at a corner, a move the Qatari police consider ‘gay’. Jailed for life.

Harry Maguire Gets so excited by hearing the Star-Spangled Banner before the USA game that he sings along like Beyoncé.

Luke Shaw Recalling the buzz of scoring in the Euro 2020 final, Shaw shoots literally every time he gets the ball, no matter his position on the pitch. Statistics fans get a raging boner.

John Stones So used to winning with Man City that when England fall behind to Mexico he simply shuts down like the replicant at the end of Blade Runner.

Kieran Trippier Leaked texts reveals him referring to possible opponents Holland as ‘clog-wearing canal-shaggers’. Sent to The Hague for trial.

Kyle Walker During training Walker does an overlapping fullback run at such speed that he bursts out of the facility and begins sprinting round the world like Forrest Gump.

Ben White Has a punch up with Aaron Ramsdale during training over his now £3.2million Shove Ha’Penny debt.

Jude Bellingham The Dortmund midfielder speaks German in an interview with German press, and is instantly branded a traitor and photoshopped into a Nazi uniform on the front page of The Sun.

Conor Gallagher Falls asleep on the bench during England’s 1-0 group stage win against Iran. Never wakes up.

Mason Mount Stays up until 4am before a knockout tie with Senegal trying to do Wordle. Is visibly exhausted and subbed after 20 minutes.

Declan Rice So nervous to be playing in a World Cup he vomits on the ref and is sent off for violent conduct.

Jordan Henderson Desperate for a post-match drink, Jordan starts making his own home brew in the hotel toilets. The resulting grog poisons Kalvin Phillips. Branded a ‘proper English lad’ by The Sun.

Kalvin Phillips Given the severe shits by Jordan Henderson’s moonshine. But keeps it off the pitch, unlike leftie Lineker.

Phil Foden Tries to get ‘peace and love’ shaved into his hair in Arabic but as a joke, the barber puts ‘Death to the West’ instead.

Jack Grealish Tries to relax ahead of the tournament with a spray tan which goes horribly wrong. Spends the entire group stages on the bench wearing a balaclava.

James Maddison After failing to get a foul for a clear dive in the box, a method-acting Maddison continues to lie on the turf for the rest of the first half.

Raheem Sterling After scoring against Croatia, Raheem namesearches himself on Twitter. One user points out he runs with his arms by his sides ‘like a T-Rex’. A spat ensues, hurtful comments are exchanged, and Raheem is cancelled.

Callum Wilson Surprised to be included, Wilson begins referring to the other players as ‘Sir’ and the coaching staff as ‘Your Majesty’. Sparks class war.

Harry Kane During extra time against Uruguay, he remembers his CBeebies bedtime story he read recently and runs full-pelt into a hoarding.

Bukayo Saka After a series of man of the match performances, accidentally sings Queen instead of King in the national anthem. Branded a ‘treasonous, England-hating lout’ by The Daily Mail.

Marcus Rashford During a nervy shootout with Spain, Marcus buries his spot kick demons by scoring his own penalty. Then undoes his good work by insisting on taking – and scoring – all five of the Spanish penalties too. England eliminated.

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North East pubs: A guide for visiting Southerners

DRINKING establishments in the North East can be challenging environments for soft Southern shites. Here is a guide to making it as pleasant and safe as is reasonably possible.

Never engage with the locals

When entering the pub, head directly to the bar. Resist your instinct to say ‘Good evening’ unless you wish to fight. If you get to the bar without being confronted by anyone you are no longer considered an immediate threat. Take a deep breath and enjoy your relaxing evening.

Always address bar staff correctly

In the North East it is customary to greet female bar staff with the colloquial: ‘How, pet?’ Never do this. You are an outsider and your attempt to blend in will stick out like a visit by Ru Paul and all his friends. Likewise, never ask for ‘A pint of…’. The quantity will always be a pint. Order a half at your own risk. 

Never enter a pub with your partner

Drinking in the North East is a same-sex activity. Never enter a pub as a couple, you’ll both appear ‘soft’. It is just about acceptable to meet later in the evening, so rendezvous at one of the North East’s many sophisticated nightclubs for a romantic evening of smooching to Who Let the Dogs Out?

Wait until after your fifth pint before visiting the toilet

Having a piss is a sign of weakness. That’s just a biological fact. If you have a soft Southern bladder with the capacity of a dandy’s purse, you’ll just have to hold it in or piss yourself (not unheard of in some establishments). Once in the bogs observe strict urinal discipline – no accidental glances in the direction of cocks, more than two shakes is self-abuse.

Never ask if they are serving food

The answer is ‘no’. The nearest you will get to food is dry-roasted peanuts, and if buying always get six bags, then it looks like it’s your first meal of the day because you’ve been too busy drinking. In any case there will be at least 500 fast food restaurants nearby, with two-handed meals (chips, pizza) or one-handed meals (kebab, hot dog) if you’ve copped off.

Never wear a coat

If drinking in the North East in the depths of winter don’t commit the schoolboy error of taking a coat. Your ‘beer overcoat’ should be more than adequate for temperatures down to -30 degrees. The rule of thumb is: one layer only on the top and bottom halves, excluding underwear. And no, you can’t put your your coat on under your shirt and claim it’s a vest.