Six celebrities you suspect are secretly bastards, for no good reason

SOME famous people are monsters. Then there are some you suspect of being dreadful based on nothing but idle, vindictive speculation. And why not?

Richard Osman

He’s not blatantly a shit like David Walliams, but there’s still something about the former Pointless presenter you don’t like. Is it his height? Is it his ability to recite trivia from a laptop screen? Maybe you’re jealous of the millions he’s made from those crime novels your mum loves while your Star Wars fan fiction goes unpublished? If only you had his agent.

Rachel Riley

She’s nice enough as she gets the vowels and consonants on Countdown, but anyone who’s that good at maths is clever and therefore not to be trusted, like Lex Luthor. It doesn’t help that her majesty doesn’t lower herself to write out sums she finds too easy to solve. Our apologies for getting a D in GCSE maths, Rach. 

Gary Barlow

The former Take That singer seems too gormless to have had such a successful career, so clearly he must be banging heads together backstage. Either that or he’s made some dodgy deal like that guy in The Matrix who sells out humans in return for being made a celebrity in the digital world. Yes, that’s the most likely explanation.

Emma Watson

Emma Watson is perfect. Too perfect. This must mean she’s overcompensating for being pretty evil once the cameras stop rolling. And what better way to hide your true nature than playing super-nice Hermione for years and speaking up for gender equality? The evidence is damning. Case closed.

Sir Bradley Wiggins

Not only is he a cyclist, which is an immediate red flag, he’s a professional cyclist who’s really good at it. In your experience these sorts of people are the worst, so unless he’s the exception that proves the rule he must be awful too. Plus he insists on being called ‘Sir’ Bradley Wiggins, which is a twat move in itself. 

Princess Charlotte

It’s not her fault, the poor kid. But there’s no way someone born into that institution grows up into a normal, well-rounded person. When her true tyrannical personality reveals itself over time, the nation will be grateful that she will never be Queen. She’s probably related to Bloody Mary somewhere down the line, so we dodged a bullet there.

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The bathroom is carpeted, and other signs you're in the house of a lunatic

HAVE you gone for a piss in someone’s house and discovered the room is carpeted? You should look out for these other signs that they’re a potential nutter.

The bathroom is carpeted

In a room full of various types of liquid, having a carpet on the floor is definitely mental. It would go mouldy where it got wet, stink where they accidentally pissed on it and show up every kind of stain from mud to blood. They are a psycho. Get out now.

They use glass chopping boards

A metal knife slamming repeatedly on a glass chopping board is hell on the ears. Don’t they know that wood is available? Or plastic? They may simply think glass is more hygienic. Or they may find it easier to clean after cutting up the spleens of their victims. You’re not sure which, so excuse yourself as soon as possible.

They have a ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ sign

Surely everyone knows by now that having a ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ sign in your home is the height of tackiness and would hide it away to avoid having the piss ripped out of them? If you enter a house with one proudly on display, beneath the faux crystal chandelier, be afraid. They’ll try to tell you it’s ironic, but they’re lying. And they’re crazy.

They’re into weird taxidermy

A single stuffed animal can be written off as a fun, interesting conversation piece. However, if they have a shelf dedicated to squirrels in various poses, like dancing together or reading a tiny newspaper, they have gone beyond quirk and into maniac territory. Excuse yourself and run far, far away.

There’s a door with a padlock on it

Any door, doesn’t matter which. Cupboard, attic hatch, cellar or garage is bad enough, but bedroom is undoubtedly the worst. It may be perfectly innocent and they’re simply very safety conscious and worried about burglary. On the other hand, they might be a serial killer and have a collection of human skulls in there. Don’t wait around to find out.