TOO many sex experts trot out the same old tips about massage and communication. 16-year-old Josh Hudson, who’s slept with more than 200 women, gives you the real advice:
Chill out about this female orgasm stuff
The clitoris is down there somewhere, so enough rubbing in the general area should activate it eventually. It just takes a bit of effort, like chipping away at the health of an end-of-level boss on the Xbox. Allow a good hour for it. Don’t start when your mum’s about to call you down for tea because you can’t save your progress.
Focus on girls who definitely do it
There are girls who do it, and girls who don’t and probably never will. So I ask around to find out who’s a slag and focus my attention on her, which is why I’m currently chasing Baylee on the advice of Jade, who hates her. Look for the woman in your office who’ll do it at lunchtime for a bag of chips.
Research the best positions
Women’s favourite positions are doggystyle – handy for anal, which they love – and reverse cowgirl. Otherwise why would porn actresses do them? They’re the experts. And remember to pull out so you ejaculate somewhere memorable. Not doing so causes the breakdown of many adult relationships.
Learn about erogenous zones
This is a high-level pro-tip not for beginners, but women get turned on in weird places, like their ear or the back of their knee. Try putting your cock there and they’ll be screaming with pleasure. I can’t tell you how many times that’s worked for me.
Patrol the streets for MILFs
You’d think MILFs wouldn’t jeopardise their marriages and families by having sex with a random gangly teenager, but that’s how desperate their hormones make them. However they’re hard to find if you’re not near a John Lewis. Check out yoga classes or simply wander suburban streets, looking moody and sexy and implying you’re tattooed.
Be discreet about sex with teachers
Obviously I’ve shagged all the fit female teachers. But if you tell all your mates the school makes you attend meetings about ‘serious allegations’. It’s only because old Mr Molyneux the headteacher is jealous. He’s 42, so he’s been impotent for years. Stick to hinting at your carnal knowledge of Miss Dempsey and the irrefutable fact she’s had a boob job.
Get a car
Once you’ve got a vehicle your sex life’s nailed down. Girls will shag you because of the car, you can shag them in the car, and in breaks from shagging you can deliver pizzas to the aforementioned MILFs. Don’t bother with a licence or insurance or any of that shit, and if feds stop you explain driving it is a secondary use for your fanny magnet. They’ll respect that.