Can Scotland beat England without talismanic striker Nicola Sturgeon?

SCOTLAND face England tonight in a friendly, but do they have any chance of winning now their talismanic striker Nicola Sturgeon has retired? 

On paper they should give England a game. They’ve won five of five qualifying matches and hope to give the Auld Enemy a bloody nose. But it’s also the first time since 2014 they’ve played them without Sturgeon leading the line.

Taking over seamlessly from midfield maestro Salmond, Sturgeon put the fear of God into the English. The tiny dynamo was everywhere, stealing balls from counterattacks, popping up in the heart of defence, nipping in at the far post to score.

Who can forget when she nutmugged Rooney? How she ran rings around Maguire? That power header past Pickford at Wembley?

The England team couldn’t touch her. She only had to direct one of her mazy runs toward them and you’d see panic rise in their throats. Kyle Walker admitted he still wakes up sweating.

But since she unexpectedly retired earlier this year, and the subsequent financial investigations into her husband and manager, Scotland have lost their mojo. Not wanting to distract, she won’t even be at Hampden tonight.

Scotland will mourn her. Until she inevitably pops up on Match of the Day next to Alan Shearer slagging off Chelsea’s defence.

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Seven great sex tips from a 16-year-old boy who's done it loads

TOO many sex experts trot out the same old tips about massage and communication. 16-year-old Josh Hudson, who’s slept with more than 200 women, gives you the real advice:

Chill out about this female orgasm stuff

The clitoris is down there somewhere, so enough rubbing in the general area should activate it eventually. It just takes a bit of effort, like chipping away at the health of an end-of-level boss on the Xbox. Allow a good hour for it. Don’t start when your mum’s about to call you down for tea because you can’t save your progress.

Focus on girls who definitely do it

There are girls who do it, and girls who don’t and probably never will. So I ask around to find out who’s a slag and focus my attention on her, which is why I’m currently chasing Baylee on the advice of Jade, who hates her. Look for the woman in your office who’ll do it at lunchtime for a bag of chips.

Research the best positions

Women’s favourite positions are doggystyle – handy for anal, which they love – and reverse cowgirl. Otherwise why would porn actresses do them? They’re the experts. And remember to pull out so you ejaculate somewhere memorable. Not doing so causes the breakdown of many adult relationships.

Learn about erogenous zones

This is a high-level pro-tip not for beginners, but women get turned on in weird places, like their ear or the back of their knee. Try putting your cock there and they’ll be screaming with pleasure. I can’t tell you how many times that’s worked for me.

Patrol the streets for MILFs

You’d think MILFs wouldn’t jeopardise their marriages and families by having sex with a random gangly teenager, but that’s how desperate their hormones make them. However they’re hard to find if you’re not near a John Lewis. Check out yoga classes or simply wander suburban streets, looking moody and sexy and implying you’re tattooed.

Be discreet about sex with teachers

Obviously I’ve shagged all the fit female teachers. But if you tell all your mates the school makes you attend meetings about ‘serious allegations’. It’s only because old Mr Molyneux the headteacher is jealous. He’s 42, so he’s been impotent for years. Stick to hinting at your carnal knowledge of Miss Dempsey and the irrefutable fact she’s had a boob job.

Get a car

Once you’ve got a vehicle your sex life’s nailed down. Girls will shag you because of the car, you can shag them in the car, and in breaks from shagging you can deliver pizzas to the aforementioned MILFs. Don’t bother with a licence or insurance or any of that shit, and if feds stop you explain driving it is a secondary use for your fanny magnet. They’ll respect that.