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Champions League commiseration bus cruises through London without fanfare

A OPEN-TOP bus commiserating Arsenal’s Champions League defeat has driven through London’s empty streets without acknowledgement or fuss. 

Thousands of Arsenal fans failed to turn out to greet their team as the players sat silently looking at their shoes on the bus, which had ‘LOSERS’ on the front and was bedecked in black ribbons as it meandered through a deserted Islington.

Gooner Wayne Hayes said: “Oh, I knew exactly where and when the parade was happening. And I made sure I was home with the curtains drawn.

“It’s important to commemorate these big occasions, like losing to Paris Saint-Germain on penalties, and as a fan I’ll never regret taking the opportunity to say ‘I wasn’t there’ to future generations.”

Fellow supporter Lauren Hewitt said: “I saw the bus go by from my living room window. You didn’t miss much. Just a bunch of sad, visibly broken men holding up their painful defeat for everyone to see.

“It’s no surprise nobody came out to see such a soul-destroying display. Except for the Tottenham fans who had a lovely day out.”

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Flight attendants, and other women your boyfriend saves a creepy little smile for

THAT sickly, ingratiating grin isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for you. It seems to specifically be for women employed to serve him, like these:  

Waitresses

Over she comes, asking if you’d like more drinks, and there his face goes. His voice drops an octave, his mouth contorts into a strange shape and his eyes meet hers with full force. He knows you’re sitting there but can’t help simper about how wonderful the Aperol spritz he was just whinging about is. She doesn’t react. She sees this every day.

Flight attendants

Children are less needy for attention than boyfriends on long-haul flights. She’s forced to endure his requests for pillows and flight information and has to remind him to fasten his seatbelt every time because it means she looks at his crotch. He spends eight hours with an insincere smirk screwed to his face, swapping it for a face like a slapped arse the moment he disembarks.

Nurses

Nursing staff are under enough pressure without having to deal with a man with an unnatural beam fixating on them. You can’t visit an elderly relative without him flashing a sordid smile at every one that passes and boasting of his own good health which, given the circumstances, is pretty f**king tasteless.

Police officers

There’s a little back-and-forth going here: his soulless smile is acknowledging her power over him but finding it sexy, while she’d love to club him unconscious but isn’t allowed. You’re the witness to this unsavoury interaction and keep being glanced at as if the nauseating expression on his face is your fault, rather than a borderline sex crime.

Barmaid

The woman pulling pints is the female worker your boyfriend saves his creepiest smile for. Because he’s in a pub, he thinks there’s an extra level of sickly behaviour allowable. Fortunately an in-built resistance to pervy boyfriends is part of the job and she ignores his fixed grim becoming a little more grotesque with each pint. She isn’t paid enough.

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