CHELSEA FC has been put up for sale in exclusive billionaires’ publication Bastards & Despots Quarterly, it has been confirmed.
The football club is being advertised to the publication’s discerning readership of dictators, drug barons and human rights violators by Roman Abramovich, who has marked it as ‘reluctant sale forced by change in political climate’.
The advert reads: “Leading London football club, current European and World champions, ideal screen for wide variety of nefarious activities.
“Would suit Middle Eastern oil producer running highly repressive regime, African tyrant looking to move into London property market, Jeff Bezos or the Chinese government.
“The current owner enjoyed the great benefit of no questions being asked about the provenance of his funds or the full extent of his bastardry for 19 years after spending his loose change on players, and would like to pass this to others.
“A perfect purchase for a Mexican cocaine lord looking to go legit, an Asian autocrat chasing positive publicity, or anyone keen to wash the blood from the billions they made from worker exploitation. Sorry, no Mike Ashley.”
The publication also carried advertisements from Abramovich for a Kensington mansion, a Thames waterfront penthouse, assorted shell companies, and eight backbench Tory MPs.