The bastards make us pay our own moat-cleaning bills now: An MP defends his pay rise

AN MP has defended his £2200 pay rise by reminding his constituents he can no longer claim for any old shit he fancies on expenses.

Sir Denys Finch Hatton, member for Somerset South, says he needs an extra two grand a year to pay for essentials like a sit-on lawnmower for his gardener, which he used to be able to rinse taxpayers for.

Sir Denys said: “You plebs think you’re struggling with the cost of living, but what about people like me? I used to be able to make you pay for having my swimming pool boiler serviced, but now I have to shell out for it from my own money.

“The moat around my mansion doesn’t clean itself, you know. Then there are expensive cab fares absolutely everywhere and strangely stingy expenses like 90p for a tea towel. If I paid for all that myself I’d soon be fractionally less rich. 

“As a nation we are facing a huge decline in living standards, and no one is suffering more than me. Do you know how much getting an interior designer in to spruce up your second home costs? A bloody fortune, when someone else isn’t paying for it.

“So, yes, I do deserve a pay rise on top of my £82k salary, consultancy fees, board memberships and massive inherited wealth. That’s what we meant by ‘levelling up’, didn’t you realise?”

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Five unimaginative sex dreams and what they say about you

YOU’RE a bit pathetic when even the sex in your sleeping brain lacks excitement. Be deeply ashamed of these erotic dream scenarios:

Having sex with your ex: You’re unadventurous 

It’s a dream. You could be shagging a mermaid with seven breasts, an evil robot with a giant schlong, or at least your sixth-form art teacher. And yet you’ve opted for the ex you weren’t even particularly into when the sex was real. God, your subconscious is square.

Having sex with your partner: You’re boring

Missionary. In your bed. With your partner. What’s the point in letting your imagination run free if it’s just real life? It’s like dreaming about getting a good night’s sleep. Still, at least in the dream you managed to put the condom on the right way on the first attempt, instead of the usual fumbling, passion-killing palaver.

Having sex with a celebrity: You’re unimaginative 

There’s nothing more obvious and tragic than getting it on with a flawless A-lister, Scarlett Johansson or Harry Styles if you like your wet dreams predictable. And it’s a star who’s the right gender to match your sexuality to boot. You’re too boring to think outside the box even when immersed in a dreamscape. 

Having sex with a coworker: You’re desperate

A risqué office fling could be steamy stuff, but not if it involves tearing the soup-stained blouse off Carol, your boring, work-obsessed line manager. And it’s definitely time to address the orgasm drought you’re facing in real life before you find yourself doing it in your subconscious with Steve the IT guy in all his rancid-coffee-breath glory. 

You can’t get it up: You’re past it

They do say dreams mirror real life, but if your unconscious libido can’t even perform in a make-believe scenario, what hope is there left? Cancel all your dating apps and resign yourself to getting your kicks from Wordle.