AN MP has defended his £2200 pay rise by reminding his constituents he can no longer claim for any old shit he fancies on expenses.
Sir Denys Finch Hatton, member for Somerset South, says he needs an extra two grand a year to pay for essentials like a sit-on lawnmower for his gardener, which he used to be able to rinse taxpayers for.
Sir Denys said: “You plebs think you’re struggling with the cost of living, but what about people like me? I used to be able to make you pay for having my swimming pool boiler serviced, but now I have to shell out for it from my own money.
“The moat around my mansion doesn’t clean itself, you know. Then there are expensive cab fares absolutely everywhere and strangely stingy expenses like 90p for a tea towel. If I paid for all that myself I’d soon be fractionally less rich.
“As a nation we are facing a huge decline in living standards, and no one is suffering more than me. Do you know how much getting an interior designer in to spruce up your second home costs? A bloody fortune, when someone else isn’t paying for it.
“So, yes, I do deserve a pay rise on top of my £82k salary, consultancy fees, board memberships and massive inherited wealth. That’s what we meant by ‘levelling up’, didn’t you realise?”