David Moyes's first day in charge

8am: Arrive at work to find my parking space still has ‘SAF’ painted on it. Discuss this with security guard who suggests I change my name to something with those initials. Return to car to find transfer request from Wayne under windscreen wiper.

9.30am: Finish clearing office of empty wine bottles. Had hoped cleaning staff might have got round to this in the last two months. Several bottles have notes in them. Stopped reading after the first two or three as they were all transfer requests from Wayne. Must have a chat with the lad later.

11am: Meet the coaches and physios, all of whom are wearing t-shirts with Alex Ferguson’s face on it. When I tell them I’m looking forward to working with them, they all start humming under their breath and coughing the word ‘resign’. The tea lady then asks me to have a big mouthful of the cuppa she made specially for me and starts giggling.

Noon: Eat sandwiches at desk in my office. Corned beef and Branston pickle. Wife forgot to pack Kit Kat. Must add ‘remind wife to pack Kit Kat for lunch’ to my to-do list.

1pm: First work email arrives. IT told me [email protected] was already taken, which seems odd, so was given email address tempmanager174 instead. Email is from an anonymous Hotmail account. It’s a Photoshopped picture of me bumming Ron Atkinson.

1.10pm: Second email arrives. Series of links to big houses in London on the Rightmove website. I reply, asking Wayne to come into my office when he’s got a second.

2pm: Have a bit of a cry in the toilets. Phone my wife and ask her if she thinks I’ve done the right thing. No answer.

3pm: My last transfer kitty at Everton was a set of used bibs and a poster of Thomas Gravesen, so excited to get the folder outlining my budget for this season.

4.30pm: Wake up on office carpet with bump on forehead. Think I must have fainted a bit. Look at all the noughts on the transfer kitty and daydream about how many Nuno Valentes that would buy.

5pm: Decide to knock off a bit early. Wayne is stood by my car with a pen and a big sheaf of papers. Maybe he wants my autograph?

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Factory blaze caused by stupid bloody Chinese lantern thing

A MASSIVE factory fire was caused by one of those monstrously fucking stupid Chinese lanterns, it has been confirmed.

The fire has so far injured several fireman and poisoned the local atmosphere as a 6000ft tall plume of smoke reaches into the sky which just a few hours earlier was filled with the magic and wonder of a Chinese lantern.

The blaze, one of the biggest ever in the West Midlands, destroyed a huge plastics factory because someone thinks glowing paper lampshades are really pretty, especially when let loose in the atmosphere

Martin Bishop, professor of flames at Roehampton University, said: “It’s legal to start a little fire and then send it floating up into the night sky without the faintest fucking idea where it’s going to land.

“But it’s okay because most people who use Chinese lanterns don’t want them to cause a massive fire and are generally quite sad about it when they do.

“To make them illegal would deprive people the opportunity to cause millions of pounds worth of damage in a place they never even knew existed.”

Chinese lantern fan, Nicki Hollis, said: “I like to imagine that each one is someone’s special prayer, floating up to God.”

But Professor Bishop added: “That only really works if the prayer is for a massive fucking fire.”