It would be fine if Gary Lineker was a right-wing bigot. By the newspapers

IF only it could be different. If only Gary Lineker had the good sense to be a right-wing bigot, he could air his political views as often as he liked.

If the BBC’s leading football presenter were to make statements like ‘I’m not prejudiced, but this country’s full’, ‘We need to defend British values’ or ‘It’s illegal, end of’ there would be no need to tell him to stick to football.

His honest, homespun wisdom, as the son of a Leicester market stallholder, would be considered entirely representative of British views. His 48 goals for his country would be a shield against any criticism.

Any attempt to censor those forthright opinions would be overreach on the part of the woke BBC. Headlines like ‘YOU CAN’T MUZZLE THE GOLDEN BOOT’ and ‘LET HIM SAY WHAT WE’RE ALL THINKING’ would be commonplace.

But, sadly, we don’t live in such an ideal world, Lineker’s views are slightly left-of-centre, and every tool at our disposal must be employed to make him shut the f**k up.

Because his opinions are unhelpful to the Tories, he is an ivory tower elitist socialist living in a liberal echo chamber. Because he opposed Brexit, he is too tainted to introduce Goals of the Month on Match of the Day.

Because he dares oppose Suella Braverman’s eminently sensible and entirely unworkable immigration plan, his only achievement with England is shitting himself during a World Cup game and dragging his arse along the wet grass like a dirty mongrel dog.

We’re sorry, Gary. You could have been a hero. But instead, we must demand you are fired.

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Seven sex things middle-aged people can't believe are normal now

YOU’RE no prude and not even that old, but sex stuff nowadays can seem weird to anyone in their 40s. Here’s what you missed out on – and what the young ‘uns are welcome to.

Making your own porn 

Not that long ago your partner would have responded less than enthusiastically to this suggestion, eg. ‘NOT BLOODY LIKELY! WE’RE FINISHED YOU F**KING PERVERT!’ Watching the end result, ie. yourself having sex, is rubbish compared to actually doing it, so if you want to be debased narcissists you go right ahead, young people.

Dick pics

Ladies should rest assured that plenty of men find this utterly weird for many reasons. Not least that you’re likely to instantly scupper any chance of having sex, never mind a fulfilling relationship. More worryingly, unsolicited knob photos are basically the same as flashing someone in a park, but without having to go outside. Is this progress? Surely not.


Back in the day, the chances of female partners trying this were roughly the same as a snowflake planning a second trip to Hell to make use of the excellent new ice skating facilities. Nowadays Cosmopolitan publishes ‘36 anal sex tips for beginners’. Are there 36 things you have to do? Frankly it’s losing some of its appeal if it’s like assembling an IKEA storage unit.

No one complains anymore

For a generation that remembers the papers screaming ‘Ban this sick filth!’ if Channel 4 showed a nipple in a Ken Russell film at 1am, it’s odd that there’s all manner of banging, blowing and buggery on TV and no one complains anymore. Want to see Keely Hawes wanking at 9.30pm? It’s the Guardian’s TV Pick of the Week.


‘Sexperts’ endlessly promote this. Whether it’s to fill space in their crappy Daily Mail articles or genuinely popular is unclear. However it does imply that at least one of you has a f**ked-up desire to be punished or a slightly worrying sadistic streak. What next, ‘sexy’ cigarette burns? An erotic punch in the face? It’s also impossible to discuss bondage in mundane real life. ‘D’you want to brush your teeth before or after I’ve flogged your buttocks red raw?’ is just silly.

Sexting in schools

The very idea of mobile phones in schools is strange, because you know exactly what you’d have done: play computer games all day and fail your exams (men) or text your mates all day and fail your exams (women). Sexting at school takes it to another level, because if it’s not consensual it’s basically a sex crime, and if it is, it’s got f**k all to with crop rotation or the saturation point of copper sulphate solution. Earlier generations suffered and so should you.


Could just be a flash in the pan thanks to rumours about a certain royal, or maybe it’s excellent fun and everyone’s doing it. You’ll try anything once so now you just have to cheerfully hand your partner a monstrous strap-on dildo and say ‘Would you mind anally penetrating me with this, sweetie?’ in the same completely normal tone of voice as ‘Would you mind getting a couple of lasagnes out of the freezer?’