IMMIGRANTS are coming to steal our country, and we certainly aren’t making that up to distract you from the shitshow we’ve made of the UK. Here are five facts you need to know.
A squillion bajillion refugees will come here if we have safe, legal routes
If we permit safe routes that stop people risking their lives in small boats, upwards of a squillion bajillion people will arrive. The country would be physically overwhelmed, tip over and sink into the sea. So if you want everyone you love – including pets – to drown, don’t vote Tory and let’s have more immigrants.
Every single one of them wants to come here to do crime
Don’t fall for that bleeding heart liberal rubbish about people escaping war or persecution. The truth is that every single asylum seeker is a master criminal, or a benefits fraudster at the very least. Yes, even the children. Especially the babies. Think they look that cute for no reason? Stop being so naive.
People who whine about human rights are woke nutters hellbent on betraying Britain
Banning refugees from applying for asylum is violating the European Convention on Human Rights. But anyone who puts human rights above the Conservative party’s grubby attempts to win the election with the racist vote is a woke traitor who should be hung, drawn and quartered. Which my next bill will bring back. I often wish I’d been in charge of crime and punishment in the 14th century. Happy times.
They’d be much happier in Rwanda
Honestly, there’s no good reason for refugees coming to the UK. They’d have an absolutely lovely time being flown to Rwanda. It’s much sunnier and that’s more important to people than family connections or speaking the language.
We’re very good at this and our plan is bound to be a success
Speaking of Rwanda, our last genius plan to deal with this issue was an enormous success, despite the fact that no planes have taken off since the first one was grounded by the courts nearly nine months ago. This time it’ll definitely work though. Like Brexit and the 40 hospitals and PPE. Trust us, yet again.
