A squillion bajillion refugees will come here on safe routes: Five facts about immigration, by Suella Braverman

IMMIGRANTS are coming to steal our country, and we certainly aren’t making that up to distract you from the shitshow we’ve made of the UK. Here are five facts you need to know.

A squillion bajillion refugees will come here if we have safe, legal routes

If we permit safe routes that stop people risking their lives in small boats, upwards of a squillion bajillion people will arrive. The country would be physically overwhelmed, tip over and sink into the sea. So if you want everyone you love – including pets – to drown, don’t vote Tory and let’s have more immigrants.

Every single one of them wants to come here to do crime

Don’t fall for that bleeding heart liberal rubbish about people escaping war or persecution. The truth is that every single asylum seeker is a master criminal, or a benefits fraudster at the very least. Yes, even the children. Especially the babies. Think they look that cute for no reason? Stop being so naive.

People who whine about human rights are woke nutters hellbent on betraying Britain

Banning refugees from applying for asylum is violating the European Convention on Human Rights. But anyone who puts human rights above the Conservative party’s grubby attempts to win the election with the racist vote is a woke traitor who should be hung, drawn and quartered. Which my next bill will bring back. I often wish I’d been in charge of crime and punishment in the 14th century. Happy times.

They’d be much happier in Rwanda

Honestly, there’s no good reason for refugees coming to the UK. They’d have an absolutely lovely time being flown to Rwanda. It’s much sunnier and that’s more important to people than family connections or speaking the language.

We’re very good at this and our plan is bound to be a success

Speaking of Rwanda, our last genius plan to deal with this issue was an enormous success, despite the fact that no planes have taken off since the first one was grounded by the courts nearly nine months ago. This time it’ll definitely work though. Like Brexit and the 40 hospitals and PPE. Trust us, yet again.

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It is all your parents' fault, experts confirm

ALL the social, economic, physical or psychological challenges you face are entirely the fault of your parents, new research has confirmed.

Although parents try to shirk responsibility by claiming they did their best and gave you every opportunity, each one of your flaws and failings can be laid at their feet.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Struggling to pay your rent? Haven’t had a shag in years? Eat crisp sandwiches for breakfast?

“None of it is your fault. We’re still as yet unsure whether it is due to genetics or environment, but your inability to book a dentist appointment is not due to any failing on your part, but because the people that raised you are twats.”

Kelly Howard, aged 29, said: “The relief I feel that I’ve been right all along about my sack of shit parents is enormous.

“I can’t wait to yell this in Mum’s face next time she gently suggests it would help my career if I stopped falling out with colleagues and having to move jobs every six months.”

Her mum Mary said: “I wish my mother was still alive to blame. My children are such f**k ups and it’s all her and Dad’s fault.”