A ROSE has been named after David Beckham, and surely other British footballers should have the same honour. These richly deserve floral tributes:
Julian Dicks (senior career 1985-2002)
Roses grow from shit and have thorns that can f**k you up, so would adequately represent the West Ham legend who starred in a 1989 game against Wimbledon described as a ‘disgrace to football’ and even whose testimonial featured a 17-player brawl. Floral notes should include beer, mud and testosterone.
Duncan Ferguson (senior career 1990-2006)
Want to grow a rose aphids will be afraid to go anywhere near? Then breed a variety named after Big Dunc, who still holds the joint record for red cards and served three months inside for an on-pitch headbutt in 1994. Would deter burglars because its namesake has hospitalised two, in two separate incidents.
Michael Owen (senior career 1996-2013)
Not every rose can be interesting. Some roses, while theoretically exceptional, offer little in terms of visual appeal or scent and are largely just there to fill the borders out and provide a backdrop to the other, more exotic roses. Such a rose could be named after prodigy-turned-journeyman Owen. Should not flourish in any soil outside of the Merseyside area.
Kevin Keegan (senior career 1968-1985)
Flowers, as any gardener can tell you, promise a great deal they then fail to deliver. Year after year they fail to bloom, lose all their petals overnight, or manage a few sickly ones and it’s never their fault, it’s always the weather or the pruning or being overwatered. The Kevin would exemplify these failures, but trying to make it work would be fun.
Harry Maguire (senior career 2011-ongoing)
The perfect name for a solid, dependable rose that might not be the star of any garden but will grow without fuss. Not especially attractive blooms. Rose-coloured. Scent: rose. Head perhaps a bit too heavy for the stem.
