Man not ethically conflicted about Qatari World Cup because none of it was up to him

A FOOTBALL fan is not in the least bit ethically conflicted about the upcoming World Cup because none of the decisions anywhere along the line were his to make.

Martin Bishop, aged 36, has disregarded media suggestions that he should feel torn about supporting England later this month on the grounds that he is neither FIFA, Sepp Blatter or Gareth f**king Southgate.

He said: “I didn’t vote to have it in pissing Qatar, I didn’t decide that England would attend, I was not consulted at any stage. But apparently I should feel responsible.

“Should I take a principled stand and not watch it? What are they going to do, check overnight ratings then pack up and move the tournament to Poland?

“If you want me to make a statement about Qatar’s human rights record I will, but nobody’s going to hear it. I live on my own. And does a country where the Euros final is symbolised by a flare up a man’s arse really hold the high moral ground?

“I can’t boycott the Qatari World Cup for an ethical, organic World Cup. That’s not how World Cups work. So I’m just going to watch it instead.

“If you’re so concerned, why don’t you feel bad about it on my behalf? It’ll do just as much good.”

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Five problems with your £250,000 new-build flat which the builders say are your fault

HOMEBUYERS are constantly hassling beleaguered property developers with unrealistic demands. Here are five problems with your new flat that are definitely your own fault.

Spreading mould

There’s mould in the corners of all the rooms? Caused by a lack of suitable ventilation? So you say. We reckon it’s down to the fact that you dry your washing indoors because we’ve provided no suitable outdoor space. Anyway, you can’t prove it’s our fault, so tough tits. You’ll just have to buy an expensive, noisy dehumidifier.

The new build warranty

You were provided with an amazing ten-year guarantee which means your conveyancers said you didn’t need a survey. Oh, so your insurer has gone into liquidation leaving you without a warranty and in breach of your mortgage terms? And there’s a massive crack in the ceiling that you can’t afford to have fixed? Not our fault, guv.

Dangerous cladding

A tiny bit of flammable cladding is present and snowflake buyers are up in arms. Goodness knows why. What’s the problem with chipping in for a ‘waking watch’ fire warden each month to ensure your new home doesn’t burn down with you in it? You can’t just expect cash-strapped property developers to use safe materials in the building process. Honestly, take some responsibility.

Management fees

£1,250 a year to maintain some shared paving, a few dead trees and a series of hostile no-parking signs is perfectly reasonable. And even if it’s not, there is nothing you can do about it, because it’s written into the 125-year lease. Oh, and did you spot that the ground rent escalates by the rate of inflation each year? No, because we made the print so small you couldn’t physically see it. But it was there.

The stupid name

Jasmine Executive Lodges is a marvellous name which accurately conveys the wonder of 16 poky apartments squeezed together next to a busy road. You wanted actual jasmine? There are some plastic box plants gathering dust in the bleak lobby area, which is more than good enough for you. Just be grateful you’ve been able to buy a flat in the first place.