Ronaldo signs on

HAVING left Manchester United with immediate effect, the 37-year-old footballer worth £370 million has signed on, it has been confirmed.

After publicly criticising his old job and manager Erik ten Hag, Ronaldo was spotted entering his local Jobcentre Plus office with a view to pocketing some free cash while he pretends to look for employment.

He said: “All I need to do is make it through the interview without mentioning that I still play for Portugal and I’m quids in. Easy street here I come.

“If they ask why I left my last place of work I’ll just say some non-committal bullshit like it was a mutual agreement or I’m looking for new challenges. They might not give me a penny if I tell them the truth that I shat the bed in front of the world’s media.

“Once I tick all their boxes and lie about agreeing to go to potential job interviews, I can look forward to getting a cool £77 per week. I think I’ll blow the first payment on something fun like the new Pokemon games. I deserve it.

“The alternative would be to endure getting paid £500,000 a week for a job I find piss-easy. An arrangement, I think you’ll agree, that would be unbearable.”

Ronaldo has specified office/admin work in his Work Plan, so the Jobcentre has found him a vacancy feeding pig guts into a mincer at 4am or lose his benefits for five years.

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Supreme Court decides Scotland isn't real

THE Supreme Court has today decided that Scotland is not a real place and is just imaginary.

The case has settled the question of whether England is obliged to continue behaving as if there is a whole country to the north of it, and heard from both sides of this long-running argument.

Court reporter Helen Archer said: “Witnesses included Nicola Sturgeon, who claims Scotland is a whole country and she is its Queen.

“But when she was asked how a whole country can have a population equivalent to the Home Counties, she claimed it was mostly empty and full of lochs and glens and Cairngorms, which is clearly nonsense.

“Visitors to Scotland admitted they’d never actually seen anything but mist, the Scottish king James VI turned out to be England’s James I, and the so-called Scottish Premiership only has two teams in it.

“For balance, we heard from Scots – speaking English, mind – claiming their country invented television, steam and Grand Theft Auto, but under cross-examination they admitted the whole population was permanently pissed and making up nonsense.

“The verdict’s finally in. Scotland is nothing but a hoax invented by Northerners to scare their children, and can be disregarded without consequence. As it already was.”