GIVEN that MPs can now claim Christmas party expenses, it’s only fair that taxpayers are allowed to organise them. Here are some ideas.
No free booze
After Partygate, it’s well known to British taxpayers that MPs love a tipple at their expense. However, they don’t want to pay for their parliamentary representatives to get shitfaced while they shiver at home, so no booze will be provided. If the tight bastards have to pay for it themselves, staff will be lucky to share a bottle of Tizer.
One Iceland King Prawn Ring only
MPs get extremely nice subsidised food in the Houses of Parliament so they don’t really deserve anything extra. But their constituents aren’t entirely hard of heart, so each MP can have a single Iceland King Prawn Ring. Anyone who takes the piss and orders the Iceland Luxury Ultimate King Prawn Ring will face an immediate by-election.
Decorations must be homemade
Have you seen the price of a real Christmas tree covered in glass baubles and tasteful lights? It could probably pay a hard-up family’s energy bill for a month. MPs must either make paper chains or harvest trees from their own estates. Jacob Rees-Mogg could start a lucrative festive sideline. He wouldn’t give an impoverished employee a turkey though, like Scrooge. He’d probably suggest roasting Tiny Tim.
Any broken photocopiers must be paid for
From Matt Hancock feeling up his new girlfriend in his office to Neil Parrish watching porn in the Commons, politics seems to get MPs strangely horny. Any damage incurred while shagging on photocopiers will be paid for by MPs, and images of their arse will be published in The Sun. But only if they’re Labour or Lib Dem.
MPs must provide their own drugs
An office Christmas party is often enlivened by a bit of illicit drug taking in the toilets, but MPs will not be allowed to claim their coke on expenses. Instead they will be directed to Michael Gove for a lecture on the perils of drugs and some suspiciously strange dancing.
