One Iceland prawn ring and no free booze: The taxpayer's guide to organising an MP's Christmas party

GIVEN that MPs can now claim Christmas party expenses, it’s only fair that taxpayers are allowed to organise them. Here are some ideas.

No free booze

After Partygate, it’s well known to British taxpayers that MPs love a tipple at their expense. However, they don’t want to pay for their parliamentary representatives to get shitfaced while they shiver at home, so no booze will be provided. If the tight bastards have to pay for it themselves, staff will be lucky to share a bottle of Tizer.

One Iceland King Prawn Ring only

MPs get extremely nice subsidised food in the Houses of Parliament so they don’t really deserve anything extra. But their constituents aren’t entirely hard of heart, so each MP can have a single Iceland King Prawn Ring. Anyone who takes the piss and orders the Iceland Luxury Ultimate King Prawn Ring will face an immediate by-election.

Decorations must be homemade

Have you seen the price of a real Christmas tree covered in glass baubles and tasteful lights? It could probably pay a hard-up family’s energy bill for a month. MPs must either make paper chains or harvest trees from their own estates. Jacob Rees-Mogg could start a lucrative festive sideline. He wouldn’t give an impoverished employee a turkey though, like Scrooge. He’d probably suggest roasting Tiny Tim.

Any broken photocopiers must be paid for

From Matt Hancock feeling up his new girlfriend in his office to Neil Parrish watching porn in the Commons, politics seems to get MPs strangely horny. Any damage incurred while shagging on photocopiers will be paid for by MPs, and images of their arse will be published in The Sun. But only if they’re Labour or Lib Dem.

MPs must provide their own drugs

An office Christmas party is often enlivened by a bit of illicit drug taking in the toilets, but MPs will not be allowed to claim their coke on expenses. Instead they will be directed to Michael Gove for a lecture on the perils of drugs and some suspiciously strange dancing.

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Five warning signs you aren't going to the pub this evening

LOOKING forward to a pint after work? Steady on. If you detect any of these warning signs, the odds are not in your favour: 

Your friends aren’t around

A quick message of ‘pint?’ on the group chat usually gets a flurry of responses like ‘f**k yes’ and ‘where/when?’ If this isn’t the case, panic. Start working your way down your friends in order of preference, even offering to buy the first round if you’re desperate. You’re not above going on your own but people judge.

You have plans

You want nothing more than a couple of hours in a quiet pub sinking pints, but you’re out with your girlfriend this evening for an anniversary meal before heading home for a celebratory shag. Christ, your life is shit. Why can’t you be a loner with nothing better to do than prop up the bar?

Work’s overrunning

You’ve been slammed at the office today, meaning you’re going to have to stay late to catch up. Admittedly you’re behind because you’ve spent hours daydreaming about IPAs and dry-roasted nuts instead of working, but come on. Once it gets to 5pm you’re working on pub time.

You don’t have any money

Sadly pubs are opposed to dishing out drinks for free, even to regulars. They insist you purchase them with the one thing you don’t have: money. Offering them your watch doesn’t work even though it’s a 1982 Casio given to you by your father and worth £15 easily. It’s not the same drinking Asda Smart Price Bitter, even if it is £1 for four cans.

You’ve already been for eight days on the trot

You’ve been to the pub every evening for more than a week, which is why you’re skint, none of your friends are interested and your professional life is suffering. Your liver and your bank account will thank you for a day off. Numb your agitated brain with the next best thing: telly.