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Southampton spy was Middlesbrough double agent

THE Southampton spy who has caused the club to be removed from Championship play-offs was actually a Middlesbrough double agent. 

Oliver O’Connor was ostensibly caught recording a Boro training session, prompting the FA to replace Southampton with Boro in the Championship play-off final and O’Connor to radio ‘mission accomplished’ back to base.

He said: “Come on. I was ‘hiding between a tree and some bushes’? How shit a spy do you think I am?

“The whole plan was to get caught, admit it, and boost Middlesbrough into a play-off final they could never have reached by fair means. False flags aren’t just for incidents of white men doing terrorism!

“Southampton had no idea I’d been turned by their rivals, but Boro could offer me inducements no South coast club ever could. Cheap oil and a lifetime’s supply of parmos.

“Job done. Southampton ruined. Middlesbrough now only have Hull City to beat and they’re in the Premier League. No way will they do it.”

Southampton manager Tonda Eckert said: “This should secure us at least another two seasons in the Championship, thank Christ. We’d get the shit kicked out of us in the Premier League.”

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Masturbating only a sin if you're hot, says church

THE Church of England has announced that self-pleasure is only a real sin if you are attractive to others.

Following consultation with bishops, the Anglican church has decreed onanism is fine for those who nobody wants to get off, but an offence in God’s sight for hotties.

Stephen Cottrell, Archbishop of York, said: “The diocese has met and we have decreed: it’s fine if you’re below a six out of ten. Or four and lower for women.

“Intense biblical study and private prayer revealed that God pities those who are both ugly and horny, and, because of the loneliness that will follow them through life, begrudges them not monkey spanking.

“But if, hypothetically, asking the truth of the Lord within your heart, there are others who could benefit from your orgasm God condemns your self-flagellation and will send you straight to the fiery pits of hell. Share your love around, as Christ did.

“For as Matthew 5:15 states, ‘Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.’ He couldn’t have been clearer.”

Devout Christian Jordan Gardner said: “For years I feared the Almighty’s judgement, for I am at it six times a day. But I am absolved for being a steg. I knew God was cool.”

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