Spain show boring inability to be rubbish

EURO 2012 winners Spain have come under more fire for showing a reluctance to mix things up by being bad at football.

After winning their third tournament in a row, the side’s brand of possession trophy-keeping has had pundits longing for the more traditional style of 11 people who have no idea what they are doing.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “Spain have put FIFA12 onto ‘Beginner’ mode, they’ve selected Carlisle as their opposition and they’ve chosen to play as, well, Spain. Yawn.

“They’ve done this by tediously investing in a long-term strategy of training youth players to focus on technique, ball control and teamwork. Well, anybody could do that, couldn’t they? Obviously England won’t because it’s much more interesting for the fans to watch a constant procession of grinding mediocrity.”

He added: “Spain were only able to score a succession of brilliantly crafted goals because Italy got so bored they just nodded off.”

Meanwhile, the defeated finalists will come to terms with their loss by sitting in stunning hillside villas staring wistfully across a sunkissed landscape, the Italian FA has confirmed.

The side were heavily beaten by a Spanish team that will take their winner’s medals home to a land of equally breathtaking beauty but with slightly inferior cheese, much to the consolation of the Italians.

Manager Cesare Prandelli said: “It was always hard for the lads, coming into the final as beautifully-chiselled, stylish and wealthy underdogs but I think by the World Cup they’ll come back stronger, better and more irresistibly handsome.”

The conclusion of Euro 2012 means television schedules may now dip below the danger level of 90% sport, leaving desperate viewers with just Wimbledon, Formula 1, the Tour de France and 24-hour cricket.

Experts have urged the public to go to their local park and video themselves playing badminton until the beginning of the Olympic cycling events.


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Pre-nup gives Cruise sole custody of Thetans

THE pre-nuptial agreement between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes guarantees the Mission Impossible actor sole custody of his wife’s Operating Thetan.

Scientology insiders revealed that the ‘pre-nup’ was ‘water tight’ ensuring Cruise would retain the part of his wife’s eternal existence that can control matter, energy, space and time.

A source said: “Tom already has the Operating Thetans of his first two wives which he keeps in his mind fridge.

“He is sad that his latest marriage has come to an end but hopes that by devouring all three Operating Thetans through a secret hole in the middle of his forehead he will gain total dominion over the realm of thought-space and challenge Xenu, the 75 billion year old mega-being, for the title of Lord of the Ultra-Sponge.”

The source added: “Katie was very reluctant to give up the rights to her Thetan and only agreed to it in exchange for $33 million.

“As you can imagine, she is also very sad.”

Julian Cook, a celebrity marriage analyst, said: “Like everyone else in the world I was astonished to hear that they were getting divorced. Absolutely astonished.”

Meanwhile, it was confirmed that the couple split despite using the Church of Scientology’s Divorcecon programme which attempts to heal troubled marriages using an eight foot wide electric spoon.