Becoming a ‘Steampunk’ best way to prolong virginity

DRESSING as a Victorian-themed science fiction character is a great way to avoid ever having sex, it has emerged.

All aboard the good ship 'Masturbation'

‘Steampunk’ is a cultural movement based on a quasi-Victorian ‘alternate history’ world of steam-powered robots, hoop skirts and absurd facial hair.

Self-styled steampunks pretend to be called things like ‘Professor Prenderghast Malvolio’ and gather in Midlands pub function rooms wearing pith helmets to talk about zeppelins and the Empire.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Steampunk performs a valuable social function for those who want to stay virgins, by allowing them to deliberately inhibit their chances of intercourse with ridiculous clothing.

“In today’s promiscuous culture, dressing like a 200-year-old cyborg paedophile jungle explorer is one of the few guaranteed ways to prevent interest from the opposite sex.

“Basically you will not get laid until you decide to stop being a steampunk. No way.”

Steampunk Tom Logan said: “Greetings ye, I am Montague Tungsten, captain of the mighty coal-powered helicopter gunship ‘Regina III’.

“Join me as I wage war against the robot armies of Neo-Prussia!”

Logan’s mother Emma Bradford said: “I’ve tried taking all his brass clothes to the scrapyard, but he just buys them back. He’s nearly 40, I would love for him to have a girlfriend before he dies.”

Stephen Malley, a 36-year-old steampunk from Worcester, said: “‘Steampunk’ is actually a nebulous term. For example the writer Terry Pratchett is sometimes categorised as a ‘steampunk’ novelist whereas Alan Moore…

“Please tell me, is it true that women are warm to the touch?”