Becoming a 'Steampunk' best way to prolong virginity

DRESSING as a Victorian-themed science fiction character is a great way to avoid ever having sex, it has emerged.

‘Steampunk’ is a cultural movement based on a quasi-Victorian ‘alternate history’ world of steam-powered robots, hoop skirts and absurd facial hair.

Self-styled steampunks pretend to be called things like ‘Professor Prenderghast Malvolio’ and gather in Midlands pub function rooms wearing pith helmets to talk about zeppelins and the Empire.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Steampunk performs a valuable social function for those who want to stay virgins, by allowing them to deliberately inhibit their chances of intercourse with ridiculous clothing.

“In today’s promiscuous culture, dressing like a 200-year-old cyborg paedophile jungle explorer is one of the few guaranteed ways to prevent interest from the opposite sex.

“Basically you will not get laid until you decide to stop being a steampunk. No way.”

Steampunk Tom Logan said: “Greetings ye, I am Montague Tungsten, captain of the mighty coal-powered helicopter gunship ‘Regina III’.

“Join me as I wage war against the robot armies of Neo-Prussia!”

Logan’s mother Emma Bradford said: “I’ve tried taking all his brass clothes to the scrapyard, but he just buys them back. He’s nearly 40, I would love for him to have a girlfriend before he dies.”

Stephen Malley, a 36-year-old steampunk from Worcester, said: “‘Steampunk’ is actually a nebulous term. For example the writer Terry Pratchett is sometimes categorised as a ‘steampunk’ novelist whereas Alan Moore…

“Please tell me, is it true that women are warm to the touch?”



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Rangers becomes a pub team

SCOTTISH football chiefs are forcing Rangers to start again as a pub team following their financial difficulties.

Rangers will relocate to a flat-roofed council estate boozer as their new base of operations, and recruit players from the local tower blocks by enticing them out of the stairwells with a football covered in smack.

Early scouting trips have uncovered a promising 19-year-old who will train for eight hours at a time and is equipped with a ferociously tenacious tackle so long as he’s given a bottle of Buckfast and a tube of Uhu at the end of the day.

SFA spokesman Tom Logan said: “This could be a fresh new start for the club – if it turns out they have a better quiz team than their football side that could be the direction they end up heading in.

“Given that most of the kids in Glasgow University are called things like Tara and Gideon rather than Janey or Wee Fucka that’s doubtful but, y’know, dare to dream.”

Rangers’ new pub, The Red Hand & Luther, was bought with the proceeds of selling off Ibrox to a consortium of Celtic fans who intend to turn it into the world’s largest urinal. The pub’s manager, Bampot, will take control of the club’s day to day affairs after ousting Ally McCoist with the help of a pool cue.

Their first fixture of the new season will be against The Pope’s Head, a rival pub located 50 feet from their new home across a stretch of road the United Nations have deemed the most dangerous piece of tarmac outside of Afghanistan.

Logan added: “Rangers could soon be back amongst the big names of Scottish football provided they get themselves a really good physio and some comprehensive fire insurance.”