Will I Am to appear on £10 note

THE Royal Mint is facing heavy criticism for its decision to put American rapper Will I Am on the new £10 note to be released later this year.

The Black Eyed Peas star, who has already carried the Olympic torch and played a leading role at the Diamond Jubilee concert, will be pictured in shades doing hip hop hands over his signature phrase Fuck Shit Up.

He beat several nominees from British history, including mathematician Alan Turing, bouncing bomb designer Barnes Wallis and Isambard Kingdom Brunel, inventor of the stovepipe hat.

Will I Am, real name Ben I Am, has somehow become a bastion of Englishness based on a single series of an unsuccessful spinning-chair singing contest.

It is believed that Will was introduced to the royal family by Prince Andrew, who saw the rapper on TV discussing Fergie’s outrageous sluttiness. Assuming I Am was an acquaintance of the former Duchess of York, Andrew invited him to Sandringham for a round of golf.

Julian Cook, editor of Burke’s Peerage, said: “I first encountered Will at the Garrick Club, where he was alternating spoonfuls of Gentleman’s Relish with sips of port and Pimm’s.

“I naturally assumed I knew him from Eton, and we began talking about his work at Oxford as Professor Emeritus of Hard Beatology, riding with the Berkeley Hunt, and the terribly sad decline of red squirrel numbers in the Grampian hills.

“I’m not sure which of us first suggested that his grill was so motherfuckin’ fly, it should be on money. Him, I suspect, but I thought it was a capital idea and put it to my homies at the Royal Mint.”

Will I Am ill will mark the unveiling of his £10 note at the Last Night of the Proms, where he is to lead the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra in a medley of his hits including Boom Boom Pow and My Humps.



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Stone Roses to split up and reform live on stage

ALMOST a quarter of a million people will see legendarily argumentative band The Stone Roses part and get back together live in Manchester this weekend.

The Roses were the leading lights of a Madchester music scene characterised by baggy clothing, unstinting drug abuse, and intense loathing between band members.

The Heaton Park concert/drama is set to begin with the seminal I Wanna Be Adored, during which drummer Reni will smash singer Ian Brown on the back of the head with a splash cymbal.

Brown, wielding a microphone stand like it is a sword, will retaliate by belting Reni across the shins so hard that the drummer starts dry-heaving. Other band members will attempt to intervene with tepid middle-aged punches, at which point they will be joined on stage by lawyers.

Brown’s legal representative will announce the dissolution of the band, after which the band and stage backdrops will be changed so that it can continue as a solo concert.

But two minutes’ into his first song a shamefaced Mani and the other Stone Roses will be lowered reluctantly onto the stage in a specially-built ‘reconciliation cage’.

After a brief group hug the event will resume as a Stone Roses concert.

Fan Wayne Hayes said: “Hopefully they will break up and get back together again between I Am The Resurrection’s false endings.”

Concert promoter Tom Booker said: “Detesting the people who you’re condemned to spend your whole life working with is the signature of Manchester music. Look at New Order.

“Southern bands just can’t loathe each other with the same intensity. Alex James and Damon Albarn have to be nice to each other because their wives bake organic yoga bread together or something.

“But the ultimate reunion would be The Smiths. God, just to see that level of sheer incandescent hate together on the same stage, the seething resentment, the festering grudges… I doubt they’d even make it through a song.”