A Six Foot Tall Texan Cricket Lover Could Blend In Anywhere, Says FBI

SIR Allen Stanford, the six foot four Texan with an obsessive love of cricket, could be impossible to find, the FBI admitted last night.

The businessman has vanished without a trace leaving thousands of investors worried for their futures and wondering why yet another a Texan billionaire was so interested in cricket anyway.

An FBI spokesman said: "It's needle in a haystick time. We will of course be searching all over the West Indies, central America and even the tiny islands of the South Pacific, but let's be honest these places are already crawling with gigantic Texan cricket fans.

"He may try to assume a new identity, but if our undercover agents come across someone we think might be Stanford we'll engage him in a conversation about barbeques, guns and cricket but then make some really crass mistakes about the rules of the game in a bid to flush him out.

"If you are sitting at a bar and you hear a large man talking in a thick Texan drawl about silly-mid off, googlies and the bowling-style of someone called Curtly Ambrose, then please let us know so we can eliminate him from our inquiries."

The spokesman added: "We're also asking port authorities throughout the Carribbean and the Gulf of Mexico to notify us immediately if a huge, cricket bat-shaped submarine surfaces within their jurisdiction."

Meanwhile the England and Wales Cricket Board has admitted errors of judgement in its relationship with Stanford and is now desperately seeking a new unscrupulous millionaire to defile the national game.

An ECB spokesman said: "When does Conrad Black get out of jail?"

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He’s A Self-Made Billionaire And You’re A Sleazy Twat, Everyone Tells Mandelson

LORD Mandelson has been given a resounding answer to his question of who the fuck Starbucks boss Howard Schultz thinks he is.

Earlier this week the business secretary launched a blistering attack on the coffee house tycoon after Schultz claimed the British economy was exactly as bad as it currently is.

But last night everyone in Britain contacted Lord Mandelson to say how much they wished Mr Schultz was running the economy instead of a sleazy lounge lizard and his idiot friends.

Taxpayer Tom Logan said: "He grew up on a council estate, turned Starbucks into one of the biggest brands in history and built a $1bn fortune and you got one of your millionaire chums to pay for your fancy house and then lied about it.

"He has won awards for his support for AIDS charities and you tried to help two of your millionaire chums skip the passport queue.

"He has created jobs for 172,000 people in every corner of the globe and you got a £1 million pension from the EU for doing fuck all and now seem to spend an awful lot of time on other people's yachts.

"And he clearly knows a thing or two about business while you were the 'mastermind' behind a political movement which has pissed a trillion pounds of our money up the wall and driven the country to the brink of bankruptcy."

Mr Logan added: "Oh yeah, and before I forget, you were also in charge of the Millennium Dome.

"So that's who he is and that's who you are. Although you can probably make a better cup of coffee."