American football fans given 24-hour amnesty

UK-BASED fans of American football are to be allowed to openly discuss the sport for one day.

Look, it’s a gay robot carrying a peanut

Wembley Stadium will host the Oakland Raiders and the Miami Dolphins on Sunday, signalling a 24-hour window for American football fans to venture out in their ludicrously oversized shirts with nonsensical logos.

Oakland fan Stephen Malley said: “In my daily life I have to keep very quiet about what I’m into.

“If I mention anything people will think I’m deranged, or, even worse, American.

“Sometimes the morning after ‘the game’ it’s obvious I’ve stayed up until 5am watching telly, but I just hope my colleagues presume I’m a serial killer.”

For Sunday only, fans will also be allowed to refer to American football simply as ‘football’, talk about teams in the plural and refer to skimpily-clad women as cheerleaders rather than the English term ‘slappers’.

Malley said: “I hope Oakland wins, but I just can’t wait to see some football.

“Plus it’ll be great to be able to yell ‘fumble’ in public and not get punched.”

A crowd of 90,000 is expected at the Wembley event but fans have been asked not to take photos to protect the privacy of those present.

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Original ideas banned

ALL creative works must now be based on something else, it has been announced.

“A new/old/dark/light spin on the Batman universe”

After the success of the Batman spin-off Gotham, media companies have successfully lobbied the government to ban anything that involves financial or creative risk.

Writers may only create new characters if they end up getting eaten by zombies.

Film director Stephen Malley said: “Box office takings clearly show that the public dislikes new things and prefers retreads of ideas they are already familiar with, or even bored by.

“Another problem with original ideas is that highly paid creative people could injure their brains trying to think things up.

“Currently I’m working on yet another reboot of the origin story of Magneto from X-Men with slightly different camera angles.

“I’m also very excited by my upcoming film Star Wars Part IV: Part II, which retells the story from the point of view of the trumpeter in the cantina band.”

TV critic Donna Sheridan said: “This is a very exciting time to be a fan of totally derivative ideas.

“This weekend I’m going to settle down with Still Open All Fucking Hours and the box set of Smallville: A Different Farm To The One Where Superman Lives