Barton denies existence of FA

JOEY Barton has refused to serve his three-match ban after disproving the existence of the Football Association using Nietzschean perspectivism.

The Queens Park Rangers ontologist and occasional midfielder was censured by the FA after trying to test the theory of subjective materialism and the non-existence of matter by using his forehead as a medium.

Barton said: “Without empirical proof of FA chairman David Bernstein’s existence I will continue to give 110% for the team, despite the concept’s inherent mathematical inconsistency.

“I hope my continued presence on the pitch despite my supposed ban will raise an interesting debate on the categorical nature of competing.

“If a player scores a goal and nobody knows why he’s on the pitch, does he still run around with his shirt over his head?”

The player has had a history of controversy, most notably when he argued that God was dead when in fact Barton had just given him an almighty kicking outside a Liverpool branch of McDonalds.

He is the first player to receive a three-match ban for excessive philosophical debate since the 1970 Cup Final when Ron ‘Chopper’ Harris posited his theory on the fragility of human existence using the knees of Eddie Gray.

Barton added: “I will move on from this incident as that which does not kill me makes me stronger at the end of the day, Gary.”


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'Girl With The Apple Tattoo' sparks product placement row

A NEW thriller about a troubled Goth who covers
her body in corporate logos has sparked debate about film sponsorship.

Based on the Steig Larsson novel, The Girl With The Apple Tattoo tells the story of Lisbeth Santander, a vengeful young girl with a really helpful bank whose only friend is disgraced journalist and coffee lover Mikel Nescafe.

Starring Rooney Mara, the film shows Santander endure harrowing violence, sustained only by her faith in a number of multinational companies whose logos she has tattooed on her body.

Director Stephen Malley said: “The apple across Lisbeth’s shoulder blades is symbolic of her battle with cumbersome PC operating systems, and the rage that shitty Windows browsers have instilled in her.

“For more obscure plot reasons she also has the Burger King stamp on her arm, the Pepsi logo on her forehead and, in one unbearably gripping scene, we discover why her left buttock is tattooed with the phrase ‘Banana Yazoo is delicious’.”

He added: “It’s definitely what Stieg Larsson would’ve wanted, he was into a mixture of radical socialism and cool consumer brands.”

As the plot unfolds, Lisbeth and Mikel Nescafe join forces to solve the mystery of a disappearing girl in numerous exciting scenes of MacBooks being opened and closed with increasing intensity.

Film critic Roy Hobbs said: “‘Apple Tattoo’ is based on a middle-aged liberal journalist’s tale of a lithe, mink-like young girl who meets a middle-aged liberal journalist and shags him to within an inch of his life.

“What a sly old feminist he was.”