Women wrong, says cleverest person in world

THE fundamental wrongness of women has been established beyond doubt.

Deals only in scientific fact

Professor Stephen Hawking, the world’s cleverest human since 1988, has confirmed that women are not only wrong but probably stupid as well.

In an interview with New Scientist, Professor Hawking said: “Have you tried having a grown-up conversation with one of them? Fucking hell.

“They are wrong. And I know everything there is to know about the universe, so that’s that.”

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, backed Professor Hawking’s theory, adding: “I also really liked the way he described them as ‘constantly expanding and contracting’ and ‘infinitely dense’.”

But Logan’s girlfriend, Helen Archer, insisted: “He didn’t say any of that.

“All he said was that women are a ‘complete mystery’. Which is actually rather romantic and makes me think of myself as a beautiful star that no-one has ever really taken the time to try and understand.”

Logan stressed: “Saying something is a complete mystery is exactly the same as saying that it is wrong about everything all the time. As you well know.

“But let’s abandon Professor Hawking’s years of study and continue to live in your alternate universe where the laws of physics state that you’re the only one who can remember exactly what people said and the tone in which they said it.”

Archer continued: “In your universe the laws of physics state that all women are wrong except your fucking mother.

“Also, no disrespect to Professor Hawking, but you can’t really tell if he’s being ironic or not.”

Logan added: “Cleverest. Person. In. World.”