Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
Now Christmas is over, my husband has lost his festive cheer and has gone back to his usual, miserable self. He might have got me nice earrings for Christmas, but the only place I’ll get to wear them is the kitchen sink. If I’m lucky he’ll refer to me by my own name later tonight as he climbs on top of me and starts pumping vigorously. All I want is someone to make me feel a bit special, is that too much to ask?

Dear Isobel,
You could always join Mrs Walker’s Learning Support class. They’re all special. They don’t do proper lessons like the rest of us, just fun stuff like making pictures and singing daft songs and expressing their confusing feelings with play-doh. Most of the time they look like they’re having great fun, except when one of them goes berserk and they get put on lock down. That means they all have to sit with their hands on their heads, close their eyes and hum the tune to ‘if you’re happy and you know it’ until whichever one of them is kicking off finally calms down. Once, I was walking past their classroom and heard an eerie humming, and sure enough, Oliver French had got all over excited and painted Amelia Gough’s entire body with bright red poster paint and then hacked off her hair with a pair of left-handed scissors. He was using Sellotape to fashion it into a beard while the rest of the class hummed with their eyes shut. It was a moving scene. Don’t worry though, Mrs Walker subdued him with the safety gloves and it all calmed back down fairly quickly.
Hope that helps!


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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to burn off those excess holiday pounds by eating the last of those of prawns you opened on Christmas Eve.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your first experience using a singles website for people who work in uniforms goes badly when your date turns up direct from his job at Aldi.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
I didn’t know medieval knights used Facebook, because that really is the only excuse for using the word ‘methinks’ in a status update, you tiresome bastard.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you’ll be expanding your horizons, from judging people on one talent you don’t have to a whole range of talents you don’t have.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Oh, I just died in your arms tonight, it must have been something you said. Or it was your personal hygiene.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After not being able to touch your toes for years, you’re finally able to after the surgeons amputate your foot due to obesity-related diabetes.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to decide which of your credit cards to try and pay off first. Personally, I’d go for the handwritten one you got off that Polish bloke in the pub.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Fortunately, one of your New Year’s resolutions was to spend the next 30 years in a spit-flecked cell having the liver beaten out of you for being a racist piece of shit.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Films can remind you of important moments in your life, like the first time you met your sister in law. Just don’t say that to your missus the next time you watch Last King of Scotland.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you cement your reputation as the office joker by taking everybody hostage at gunpoint while wearing psychotically-applied white makeup.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Still no word from Universal Pictures on your script, a cross between a war film and quirky French comedy, called Military Tatou.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
For those about to rock, we salute you. For those about to Coldplay we hope you get Lupus.