La Senza pins hopes on Human Centipede range

STRUGGLING lingerie giant La Senza is to relaunch with the introduction of a new range inspired by The Human Centipede films.

The high street chain hopes La Senzapede will mirror the success of plus size retailer Evans, whose ‘I Spit on Your Grave’ line proved a surprise autumn hit, and Tie Rack which fought a sales downturn with its Cannibal Ferox Collection.

La Senza’s creative director, Nikki Hollis, said: “Our customers want to combine function with aesthetic – easy access regardless of which body part is stitched onto a tourist’s anus, yet stylish enough to keep him guessing.

“Women nearer the business end of the centipede reported problems with blood poisoning.  They’ll be delighted with the alluring Septicemi-bra, secretly reinforced to catch any melted organs which might embarrassingly pop out of the nipples when excited.

“They might want to elegantly accessorise with the boned Distender Belt for gassy choleric moments and offset with the wipe clean Sharter Garter.”

She added: “Complete the look with the Dr Gillian McKeith Queef-Brief. She wasn’t in the movie but it tested well in our Croydon focus group. It was the DHL guy’s idea.”

There has been a backlash from some groups, claiming the range encourages performance enhancing surgery and trivialises defecation.

Father Stephen Malley warned: “Women should stick with the natural digestive process as recommended by Jesus.”

But Hollis said: “Has Father Malley ever really spoken to any of our customers? I advise him to tag along to one of their cosy Pilates classes. If he doesn’t leave with dysentery then he clearly understands nothing about recreational contortion and the lower bowel.”


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Britain really fancies a pint

MOST of Britain could cheerfully go on a three-day session after just one day back at work, it has emerged.

Despite the UK’s workforce making New Year’s resolutions to stop behaving like Oliver Reed at John Belushi’s wake, by lunchtime yesterday most of them were doodling pictures of cocktail glasses and complaining of having a bit of a throat on them.

Carlisle office unit Wayne Hayes said: “After being forced to stare at the 300th photo of our receptionist’s granddaughter eating a pie I started doing shots of Tippex under my desk.

“By five o clock I was stood on the photocopier with my tie around my head singing a very angry version of Dirty Old Town so I think I can safely assume my 2012 bonus has already been nicely fucked in the ear.”

Government health officials have blamed society’s binge drinking culture for the increase in pint-related workplace daydreaming but have acknowledged the mitigating factor of enduring a throbbing liver while having to deal with other people’s shite.

It is estimated that every January, over four million work hours are lost to people staring idly out of the window wondering if it is too early for a whisky and coke.

Some companies have tried to tackle the issue by making the work environment more comfortingly pub-like by installing a fruit machine and getting line managers to flick the lights on and off twenty minutes before 5pm.

But Hayes said: “I probably wouldn’t sit at my desk fantasising about absinthe all day if I wasn’t pissing one third of my life away for a pittance in the backwater of some storm-tossed dingy rock in the North Atlantic until my inevitable heart attack in my mid-50s and yes this coffee has got vodka in it.”