La Senza pins hopes on Human Centipede range

STRUGGLING lingerie giant La Senza is to relaunch with the introduction of a new range inspired by The Human Centipede films.

But in a human centipede... ker-ching!

The high street chain hopes La Senzapede will mirror the success of plus size retailer Evans, whose ‘I Spit on Your Grave’ line proved a surprise autumn hit, and Tie Rack which fought a sales downturn with its Cannibal Ferox Collection.

La Senza’s creative director, Nikki Hollis, said: “Our customers want to combine function with aesthetic – easy access regardless of which body part is stitched onto a tourist’s anus, yet stylish enough to keep him guessing.

“Women nearer the business end of the centipede reported problems with blood poisoning.  They’ll be delighted with the alluring Septicemi-bra, secretly reinforced to catch any melted organs which might embarrassingly pop out of the nipples when excited.

“They might want to elegantly accessorise with the boned Distender Belt for gassy choleric moments and offset with the wipe clean Sharter Garter.”

She added: “Complete the look with the Dr Gillian McKeith Queef-Brief. She wasn’t in the movie but it tested well in our Croydon focus group. It was the DHL guy’s idea.”

There has been a backlash from some groups, claiming the range encourages performance enhancing surgery and trivialises defecation.

Father Stephen Malley warned: “Women should stick with the natural digestive process as recommended by Jesus.”

But Hollis said: “Has Father Malley ever really spoken to any of our customers? I advise him to tag along to one of their cosy Pilates classes. If he doesn’t leave with dysentery then he clearly understands nothing about recreational contortion and the lower bowel.”