Benitez Blames Freak Goal On Giant Invisible Nudists

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez has blamed Sunderland's deflected goal on Chippy and Lyndsey, two nude invisible giants who, he claims, will do anything to thwart his happiness.

Darren Bent's fifth minute shot struck a giant beach ball Benitez believes to have been dropped by his 60-foot tall enemies during one of their naked frolics.

He said: "I have been plagued by gigantic seaside paraphernalia for months, but you all pretend not to notice.

"When Bent's shot went in I shouted, 'See? I am not crazy. Now apologise to me and my seahorse'."

Describing Chippy and Lyndsey as '10 times taller than humans and 20 times taller than Sammy Lee', he added: "They interfere with my team selections, they bribe referees and they are painted bright orange from head to foot."

An FA spokesman said: "Mr Benitez started raving to us about Chippy and Lyndsey so we sat him in a side-room with a cuppa until somebody from Liverpool could come and get him.

"It's terrible they let him out on his own like that."

Benitez's hallucinations have worsened steadily since arriving at Liverpool in 2004 sporting an imaginary falcon on his arm and insisting everybody address him as 'Senor Cheeks'.

He immediately promised to rid Anfield of the vampire, cat-faced cockroaches that were infesting the changing rooms and after unveiling Fernando Torres in 2007, he went on to introduce Sammy Davis Jr and Secret Squirrel, whom he also believed he had signed.

Club captain Stephen Gerrard said: "It's getting worse every week. After the Sunderland game he told us we could still win the league. Me and the lads all agree that he now needs a series of powerful electric shocks to the brain."

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Everyone To Run Everything By Stephen Fry

EVERYONE is to run everything by Stephen Fry first just to make sure it's okay, it was confirmed last night.

As Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir was torn apart and devoured by three of Mr Fry's favourite snow leopards, corporations and government departments, as well as millions of terrified individuals, have subscribed to his online approval service via TwitPiss.

Emma Bradford, a sales manager from Hatfield, said: "The last thing anyone wants is to be thought of as the sort of person Stephen wouldn't invite to his lovely Norfolk home for the weekend along with Richard Dawkins, Emma Thompson and Alan Davies.

"I always imagine how funny it would be if Alan Davies said something really obvious about the thing we had all been talking about and then Stephen would ring a little bell and we would all point at him and go 'Oh Alan!'"

Meanwhile David Cameron, a 43 year-old leader of the Conservative Party from Oxfordshire, said: "I have just sent Stephen my list of thoughts and actions for today. Fingers crossed!"

But Bill McKay, an architect from Grantham, said: "There's a very long queue at the Stephen Fry window so I'm going to send my thoughts and actions to David Mitchell.

"And if he's full-up I suppose I'll have to try that Charlie Brooker instead."

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Surrey, added: "Stephen does not approve of my brand of tea so I'm going to have to do something about that, but he did say he was 'deliciously proud' that I had chosen Direct Line for my horse insurance.

"And I've also written a blog about how all the homos want to fuck everybody to death. Hopefully he won't be too cross!"