Boxing A Metaphor For Cocaine, Says Hatton Loudly

RICKY Hatton has insisted that the whole sport of boxing is geared toward cocaine use, right down to its ruinous affects on nasal septums.

The boxer conducted a three-hour press conference, during which he sweated profusely and repeated himself several times, explaining the theory he had developed over the last three sleepless days.

Hatton said: “You can only focus for three minutes at a time, you need a gumshield to stop your teeth being ground into powder and you spend most of your life telling anyone who’ll listen how great you are.

“The whole thing couldn’t be more gakcentric if it were conducted in a roller disco with the referee dressed as Tony Montana.”

Hatton’s admission has led to suggestions that boxing could be improved beyond measure if both competitors were snorting cocaine between rounds.

Tom Logan, who watched 10 minutes of a Mike Tyson fight in the early 1990s before switching over to a repeat of Duty Free said: “Just the word boxing fills me with tedious dread.

“Snooker is more entertaining. Potted plants are more entertaining. It makes a Radio Four programme featuring Melvyn Bragg and Alan Yentob in conversation about the British novel seem like a jet-powered roller-coaster of pure, naked thrill.

“But the idea of two angry, lolloping monkeys coked to the tits and let loose on each other does sound totally mental and I think it should definitely happen.”

Meanwhile the News of The World’s is to continue its campaign to discredit every British sportsman that has ever lived with the revelation that Sir Stanley Matthews spent every Tuesday night in bed with a duck.


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Drunk Children To Be To Taught How To Look After Drunk Children

THOUSANDS of drunk British children could be spared serious illness and injury if their drunk friends were trained to look after them, experts have claimed.

The British Red Cross said too many drunk youngsters were ending up in accident and emergency departments because other drunk children had left them lying at a bus stop rather than pumping their stomachs or placing them on a saline drip.

A spokesman said: “In the same way that adults have a designated driver, it is vital that large groups of children on an all-night bender have a designated first aider who knows the recovery position.

“The first aider could have a special badge. Children like badges. Or perhaps a groovy baseball cap with a red cross on it.”

Kyle Stephenson, a nine year-old vodka enthusiast from Darlington, said: “I did a read a leaflet about first aid but then I got very pissed and forgot it all.

“I think you’re supposed to take their shoes off and put them on their hands so they can’t poke their eyes out.

“Then you lift their legs up and shake them until they puke. Once they’ve been sick you can then turn them face down and cover them with leaves.”

Fourteen year-old Gemma Archer, from Grantham, added: “I’m sure I could do first aid as long as it’s before six o’clock. After six I tend to be a little bit unreliable, medicine-wise.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, backed the move but added: “There does eventually come a point where you have to accept that our society is just moments away from total collapse.

“And I would suggest that the Red Cross calling for drunk children to be trained how to look after drunk children, is probably it.”