Britain To Become Nation Of Sponge Eaters

BRITAIN is set to become a nation of sponge eaters after reading the first two paragraphs of a story about cancer.

The story may have mentioned how cancer could be cured using a bath or kitchen sponge and so now Britain is planning to eat sponges at least six times day.

As scientists warned there was a bit more to it than that, Britain insisted that they had said sponges and couldn’t just go changing their minds whenever they felt like it.

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: “I read you had to swallow a sponge on a piece of string. I’ve always thought sponges looked quite tasty, but I don’t know if I want to eat the string.

“The first two paragraphs didn’t say whether or not I could use garden twine coated in salad cream instead, so I’m going to give it a try.”

Roy Hobbs, from Durham added; “The second paragraph said it collects cancer from your stomach. So I assume sponge-eating will also work on the lungs, the kidneys and my horribly misshapen balls.”

And Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I only read half of the first sentence but I knew they didn’t mean Victoria sponges because I’d already seen an article in the Daily Mail about how Victoria sponges give you cancer.

“Then again it might have been Victoria Wood. I didn’t read the whole thing.”


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Guardian 'Hacking Phones To Get Incredibly Boring Stories'

THE Guardian has been accused of hacking into mobile phones to acquire its seemingly never-ending series of incredibly tedious articles.

Suspicions were raised earlier this year after the paper published its 37,224th utterly dreary front page in a row.

Media experts and rival news organisations now claim the upmarket daily must be using illegal eavesdropping techniques to maintain this level of spectacularly uninteresting journalism.

Media analyst, Julian Cook, said: “Somehow they can take even a really fascinating story and make it suicidally dull. And then do it over and over and over again. You can’t do that with ordinary journalistic methods.

“It now seems clear they’re hacking into the phones of some of the most boring people in Britain and then using that tiresomeness to produce their insipid, monotonous, left-wing bullshit.”

Guardian reader Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, said: “I did start to wonder after reading Polly Toynbee’s column for what felt like the billionth time.

“Then I realised that she must be eavesdropping on some unbearable fucking mung bean-eating lesbian teaching assistant who just won’t stop going on about the importance of local education authorities and funding for drug addict five-a-side teams.

“I read the News of the World now. It’s full of stuff about screwing and football. And occasionally they get this man to dress up as a sheik and make Sarah Ferguson look like a nutter. I can’t put the fucking thing down.”

He added: “And of course it almost goes without saying that George Monbiot is clearly hacking into the mobile of an eight year-old girl whose just seen FernGully: The Last Rainforest.”