BRADLEY Wiggins cruised down the Champs-Elysees to cycling victory, and the people of France just had to stand there feeling powerless.
After becoming the first Englishman to win the Tour de France, Wiggins wasted no time in asking French President Francoise Hollande how he liked those apples.
The cyclist asked the furious Hollande: “Comment aimez-vous ces pommes? Oui, comment aimez-vous ces pommes? Ha ha ha.”
Describing the tour, Wiggins said: “It’s been an amazing journey over the last few weeks, I’ve met so many incredible people and made my family proud, but the best bit of it is that the French can suck my dick.”
Wiggins became obsessed with France as a schoolboy, after reading about the nation in a Tricolour language textbook.
He said: “I immediately loathed their nation, with its stupid penis-shaped loaves, small dogs and inane obsession with repeatedly asking directions to the town hall or the swimming pool.
“I resolved that one day I would destroy them. Soon afterwards I began training at their national sport.”
French President Francois Hollande said: “Je deteste Le Wiggins. Il est merde! Merde!”
Sports historian Tom Logan said: “This is such an important victory both in sporting and xenophobic terms.
“British tourists visiting France may now request ‘a beer’ instead of ‘une beer’ and the French people cannot respond moodily, because now they know for sure who is best.”