Britain Strikes Gold In Sport No-One Watches

BRITAIN was riding the crest of a wave of victory last night after repeatedly striking gold in one of those sports that nobody ever watches.

TeamGB sets a new world record on their eight-wheeled cyclotron

Britain's finest two-legged men and women took home gold medals in the singles, the hot singles, the fancy doubles, the crotchless triples and the doubled pears.

An ecstatic Wayne Hayes, TeamGB manager, said: "Take one pair of perfectly round wheels, add the relentless pounding of some truly magnificent British thighs, and stand well back."

He added: "I said to every single one of them: whatever you do, for God's sake keep pedalling."

Last night's avalanche of triumph comes hot on the heels of British success at the Los Angeles Kerplunk Open and a 14-12 victory in the World Bread Making Championships in Adelaide.

British competitors now sit astride the world stage in rat-shooting, speed pottery, synchronised chewing, professional bowler hat wearing, darts and snooker.

Sport minister, Gerry Sutcliffe, said: "The next time someone tells you Britain is slow at riding a bike, you can look back on this day with pride, hold your head high and tell them to cock off."

He added: "This is the most exciting thing to have happened in British sport since Formula One boss Max Mosley paid some hookers to pummel him with a cricket bat."