Capello Sets World Cup Arrest Target

ENGLAND must finish in the top four sides arrested for lewd and uncontrollable drunkenness during this summer's World Cup, Fabio Capello said yesterday.

The England manager warned that vodka-soaked Eastern Europeans now pose a serious threat while the Germans and the Danes are used to drinking out of huge beer glasses all night and vomiting on each other's feet.

Capello also repeated Pele's famous prediction that during his lifetime, an African team would get absolutely trousered and set fire to a nightclub.

He added: "The high altitude and cheap alcohol give us the best chance in a generation of being deported by the end of the second week.

"And the increased physical fitness of players these days means they can push each other round in shopping trolleys for hours on end until they get arrested."

Tactically England are expected to adopt a standard four-four-two with two rows of four players aggressively downing shots and nutting people with two more up front trying desperately to organise a spit roast.

Capello said: "We have some very experienced obnoxious drunken morons but it's often the younger players who drink without fear and provoke the sort of breathtaking 300-man brawl that can have everyone back on the plane and heading for Gatwick by sunrise."

As well as having the whole squad locked up for drunken violence, the Italian hopes to bring England's flair for freaky, fucked-up sex offences to world's greatest sports contest.

He said: "One player showed me some clips on his iPhone. I haven't been able to look at a jam doughnut since."


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Mad Men Dolls Already Having Complicated Affairs With Other Toys

TOYS based on characters from US TV series Mad Men are having complex, stylish affairs with other action figures, it emerged last night.

Owners of the new dolls, which are modelled on characters including philandering alpha male ad boss Don Draper and that ginger secretary with the truly remarkable charlies, say they wasted no time in having thinly-veiled intercourse with other attractive toys.

Teacher Tom Logan said: "As an avid collector of expensive and slightly pathetic adult-oriented action figures, I bought the full set.

"The next day I woke to find the house permeated with the stink of expensive liquor, full strength Marlboro and illicit motel room sex.

"Don Draper was missing, and my daughter's Hannah Montana doll was in tears, having just gotten off the phone to a toy abortion clinic.

"Meanwhile Don's doll wife Elizabeth has formed a tense, semi-platonic relationship with my son's Buzz Lightyear, which is the subject of much speculation among the other inhabitants of the toy cupboard.

"And I'm desperately trying to put my marriage back together after a drunken one-night stand with the chesty secretary."

He added: "Damn that beautiful, coquettish polyurethane minx. She's so fucking cool, it's driving me goddam nuts."

But manufacturers Mattel have denied responsibility, claiming the box clearly states the figures 'may indulge in morally ambiguous and/or sexist behaviour'.

A spokesman said: "These are sophisticated, maverick dolls whose marital relations are underscored by dark secrets and simmering resentment. They work hard, play hard, occasionally smoke pipes and never seem to get hangovers."

The company is also planning a range of toys based on previous best thing ever The Wire, including a corrupt policeman doll and a black drug dealer doll that is going to fuck you up, bitch.