Vatican Possessed By Perverts, Says Scientist

THE Vatican is possessed by lots of perverts who like to fiddle with little boys, according to a scientist.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said a spate of completely non-mysterious events within the Roman Catholic church were definitely caused by deviant priests.

He added: "I have seen them with my own eyes. They wear black clothes and little white dog collars and often go by ancient names like 'Joe' and 'Bob' and 'Francis'. At the weekend they put on brightly coloured smocks and chant things in Latin.

"There is a long established ritual for dealing with them whereby you restrain them using what's known as a policeman.

"But beware – when they are having their rights administered to them some strange things may come out of their mouths such as 'help me, I'm possessed by the devil' or 'I'm a priest and you're all going to hell'.

"In the next stage of the ancient ritual they are brought before 12 randomly selected members of the community, often in a special wood panelled room and the facts of the case are presented and debated by two teams of lawyers.

"The ritual is completed when the 12 people deliver a verdict and the priest is either set free or sent to a prison or secure psychiatric facility where he can be treated for his mental illness."

Professor Brubaker stressed there were only a small number of sick perverts in the Roman Catholic Church and the rest of the staff were simply deluded maniacs with a dangerously medieval world view who believed in things like Satan.

He added: "I suppose you could say there are ancient demons in the Vatican but only in a purely metaphorical sense, you understand?

"If I had to give special names to these 'demons' I would probably call them 'Paedophile' and 'Cover-up'."


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Intelligence-Boosting Drugs Make Children Question Point Of Exams

SCHOOLCHILDREN on brain-boosting drugs are questioning the whole point of the education system, it has emerged.

After doubling their IQs with pharmaceuticals, many pupils have completely lost faith in the idea of working hard at school in the vain hope of landing a repetitive office job with some hateful corporation and then handing most of their earnings straight to the government.

Kyle Stephenson, a 13-year-old Reminyl user, said: "My parents' generation worked hard at school, got so-called 'jobs' and slaved for decades to achieve an onerous mortgage, matching stomach ulcers and a deep reservoir of poisonous resentment.

"Therefore I could continue to diligently study oxbow lakes and isoceles triangles in the hope of getting sufficiently decent grades to join them on the soulless hamster wheel of modern life, or I could find a nice tree and sit under it playing the bongos and toying with my genitals.

"Who amongst you would dare to call me 'time-waster?'"

Fifteen year-old Donna Sheridan was predicting five Bs and four Cs before her parents put her on a course of drugs that boosted her IQ to 296.

She said: "My former interests in Twilight and being fingered have been eroded by a growing awareness that humanity is operating on a broken template, the dogged pursuance of which will lead to its unavoidable annihilation.

"Simultaneously I have come to the realisation that most of my teachers have little more than a rudimentary grasp of their supposedly specialist subject, having fallen into their career with a mixture of apathy and grim resignation after their true ambitions were thwarted by misfortune or lack of talent.

"Hence I can't be arsed to go to my French listening test and there's fuck all you can do about it."