THE Vatican is possessed by lots of perverts who like to fiddle with little boys, according to a scientist.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said a spate of completely non-mysterious events within the Roman Catholic church were definitely caused by deviant priests.
He added: "I have seen them with my own eyes. They wear black clothes and little white dog collars and often go by ancient names like 'Joe' and 'Bob' and 'Francis'. At the weekend they put on brightly coloured smocks and chant things in Latin.
"There is a long established ritual for dealing with them whereby you restrain them using what's known as a policeman.
"But beware – when they are having their rights administered to them some strange things may come out of their mouths such as 'help me, I'm possessed by the devil' or 'I'm a priest and you're all going to hell'.
"In the next stage of the ancient ritual they are brought before 12 randomly selected members of the community, often in a special wood panelled room and the facts of the case are presented and debated by two teams of lawyers.
"The ritual is completed when the 12 people deliver a verdict and the priest is either set free or sent to a prison or secure psychiatric facility where he can be treated for his mental illness."
Professor Brubaker stressed there were only a small number of sick perverts in the Roman Catholic Church and the rest of the staff were simply deluded maniacs with a dangerously medieval world view who believed in things like Satan.
He added: "I suppose you could say there are ancient demons in the Vatican but only in a purely metaphorical sense, you understand?
"If I had to give special names to these 'demons' I would probably call them 'Paedophile' and 'Cover-up'."