Wags Bug England Team Talk To Discover Where That Rash Came From

The secret recording of an England team talk was carried out by a group of WAGs desperate to discover why they are having to take antibiotics, it was claimed last night.

FA sources say the covert recording equipment was dayglo pink and made by Prada while the crawlspace above the England dressing room was littered with well-thumbed copies of Grazia and empty Lambrini bottles.

The FA initially feared the bug may have been placed by a rival manager in a bid to to discover England's tactics, but the source added: "Tactics? Very good. Someone has gone to an awful lot of bother just to hear someone say 'knock it to Rooney and hope for the best' in an Italian accent."

But police are now convinced an elite group of lithe footballers' wives and girlfriends are using their cash, leisure time and extensive yoga training to find out exactly why their gussets itch like a scrapyard mongrel.

A senior police source said: "The only one we don't want to talk to at this point is Abigail Clancy. The idea that Peter Crouch has had sex with more than one woman has kept us entertained all afternoon."

The discovery was part of a wider operation following a series of burglaries from bacteriology labs near the plush villages of Oxshott and Alderley Edge.

Police say a batch of stolen test tubes contains scrapings of some of the wealthiest urethras in the UK.

The source added: "If they examine the cultures on those slides, they're going to see a whole bunch of puffy-eyed bacterium with black bands around one of their tentacles.

"You get one guess. Spot on."

 

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Small Men Devastated

MILLIONS of men just a shade under five foot nine were devastated last night as it emerged that not even the French presidency can help a short man hang on to Carla Bruni.

Paris is now awash with rumours that Bruni is having an affair with some pathetic singer whose only qualification for her affection is his consistent ability to be about five foot eleven, maybe six foot at a push.

Meanwhile Sarkozy is understood to be seeking comfort and blow jobs from a political colleague, who experts say may be relatively attractive, but is, compared to Carla Bruni, basically a man.

But despite assurances that it was nothing more than a case of French people being all French, small men took to the internet to brainstorm a range of new tactics.

Early suggestions include thicker seat cushions, extra hairgel and assassinating any man who can get something off the top of a wardrobe without using a chair.

Nathan Muir, a five foot eight plumber from Peterborough, said: "He's got the Elyseé Palace, an independent nuclear deterrent and a castle off the coast of Provence that makes Chequers look like an Anglian conservatory built by Welshmen.

"I've got a second hand Golf and this pair of thick-soled Timberlands. I'm going to have to resort to a combination of rohypnol and stilts."

The Bruni Catastrophe comes just a year after Formula One billionaire Bernie Ecclestone was unable to keep hold of his stunningly attractive, Amazon climbing frame of a wife.

Tom Logan, a five foot seven architect from Hatfield, said: "Money doesn't work. Power doesn't work. I suppose I could try being funny. What does Ronnie Corbett's wife look like? Oh dear, that's a shame."