Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My husband is a wonderful individual and we have enjoyed several relatively happy years together. The only problem is that he's a little conservative in his tastes and he would prefer to have sex in the missionary position with the curtains drawn than try out some of the things that I like doing, such as dressing up in preposterously lewd under-garments and thrashing each other with a leather cat o' nine tails. Or sniffing poppers and sticking vegetables into each others' naughty holes. I've tried to raise the issue with him but he just turns up the volume on Countdown and ignores me. What should I do?

Dear Denise,
I once had a hamster called Hammy who was going to be my bestest friend in the whole world until I realised he was a deeply flawed individual. He was obsessed with going round and round on his wheel for hours on end and whenever I managed to coax him out of his cage to play with me, all he did was sit there, doing nothing aside from depositing small poops all over my school jumper. My friend Jemima, on the other hand, had a pet puppy called Mika who was millions better than rubbish Hammy. Everyone used to love visiting Jemima and Mika and playing with them in the park after school, while I was stuck all alone watching Hammy sleeping or chewing on cardboard toilet rolls.
Naturally, after reaching the end of my tether with Hammy's self-centred behaviour, I decided that he and I should part ways, and I set him free in the garden so I could go and play with Jemima and Mika like all my other friends. When my mummy found Hammy the next day, he was dead, having been savagely mauled by a cat. My mummy said it would teach me a valuable lesson about coping with grief, when in fact the main thing I learned from the experience was that hamsters are rubbish.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that your husband sounds like more of a Hammy than a Mika, and the sooner you send him on his way, the sooner you can start to enjoy life.
Hope that helps!


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My Big Gap Year: Dr Skivago

Despatches from Poppy Spalding

IT'S surely not just the president of Russia and me who found ourselves wondering during the women's parallel giant slalom 'is that as easy as it looks?' I had to go to Russia to investigate why Russians have such a problem sliding about on the very surface that covers their entire country.  

I got my answers on a ski slope north of St Petersburg: Snowboarding is actually really difficult. There aren’t stoppers like on a roller-skate so you just end up gathering speed before careering uncontrollably into a family. I tried shouting to warn them but the only word I knew was 'do svedanya' which means goodbye. They were really good about it though and even offered to drive me back to St Pete's for a tour.

They took me to the Church on Spilled Blood, built on the spot Alexander II was killed. The gran told me to pray to him because he was a saint of Russia. She said under communist rule, anyone could be a saint – including the BeeGees. What a brilliant idea! I reckon all churches should set about sanctifying celebs. Then when I go 'amen', someone out there actually says 'you're welcome' for a change. Furthermore, I reckon those snowboarders would slide faster if there was a halo in it for them.

The gran said Russia's Olympic disaster was all down to Vladimir Gorbachev. "In Stalin time, sportsmen not allowed DVD player or soft pyjama. If he won't win gold medal, he is attacked with big weapon. Old Russian joke goes 'skiing not so much fun when carrying knee caps around in little purse'."

Russian standards have dropped and they need to get back in the game. Though kooking around, it seems Russian women are more 'on the game' with their execessive foundation and inappropriate shoes. Then it came to me: Get those slappers off Nevsky Prospekt and onto the rink where they belong! It can't be that hard – Daniella Westbrook can do it and she can't even see.

The answer to all Russia’s problems in one easy step: sainthoods for everyone and tarts on ice. And that's what makes the USSR the greatest country in the world!