Drunk women superb, say experts

WOMEN who get drunk on a regular basis are slim, happy and a bloody good night out, experts have claimed.

Researchers found that women who cannot remember what it’s like to wake up without a hangover also cannot remember ever looking at a piece of tofu with miserable po-faced resignation.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “While excess drinking can lead to the kind of nightmares you see scrapping outside a wedding reception, mid-level consumption leads to fun-loving, husky-voiced hedonism and the very real possibility of getting it.”

And while red wine was found to contain healthy antioxidants, Prof Brubaker stressed: “All drinks contain the vital component that makes her laugh at your shit jokes and instigate saucy physical contact while leaning in to light her cigarette. Especially the ones with umbrellas in them. It’s all very good indeed.”

Prof Brubaker believes moderate female drinkers manage to maintain their weight by spending all their disposable income on Sambuca shots and regularly vomiting.

He added: “With the advances in renal medicine and cosmetic dentistry, the side-effects are entirely treatable.

Feminist Nikki Hollis said: “The changing socio-political dynamic allied with the blurring of interpersonal gender roles is key to understanding the emergence of alco-positive female archetypes.”

Brubaker agreed, adding: “And they’ve usually got a filthy laugh on them and their own bar tab. It’s like a little piece of no-strings-attached heaven.”

 

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Did Vorderman Actually Happen? Question Time Viewers Keep Asking Themselves

FIVE days after Carol Vorderman's apprearance on Question Time, millions of people across Britain were last night still trying to make sense of the experience.

Some viewers claim the numbers-savvy dodgy loan mascot underwent a physical transformation into a leathery, harpy-like creature that disembowelled the floor manager with its razor talons, while others say that although they definitely watched the programme, their only memory of that time period is an implanted mental image of a rustic apple fayre.

Viewer Tom Logan said: "That night my wife and I switched off the telly and went to bed without saying a word. Four days later we were having breakfast and I said, 'I had the weirdest dream where her off Countdown metamorphosed into a  ravenous hell-bitch whose black eyes radiated pure, unbroken shafts of demonic malevolence.

"She just looked at me, took my hand and nodded. I knew then that I wasn't mad."

He added: "We don't know what really happened but my instinct is to pack as many of our possessions as possible into the Volvo and just keep driving."

There have also been reports of animals behaving strangely during last Thursday's show.

Plumber Nathan Muir said: "I remember some woman staring into the camera and screaming about how paedophiles should be fed their own kidneys and then my collie Jake started throwing himself against the wall and eating his own feet.

"I still don't understand what happened and whenever I talk about it my face goes all cold."

A BBC spokesman said: "Unfortunately all the tapes have just been destroyed in a mysterious fire and everyone associated with the program has died in some sort of gruesome accident, especially Will Self, who was struck by lightning, mutilated by a pack of wild stoats and then hit by a runaway tram."

He added: "Go back to your desks and get on with your work."