Bush Plea To Cameron Diaz Over 'Onionists'

FORMER US president George W Bush has urged Hollywood actress Cameron Diaz to help secure the support of 'onionists' for the devolution of policing powers in Northern Ireland.

Mr Bush called Ms Diaz yesterday after reading something in the Dallas Morning Post and realising he was not due to tee off until 11.30am.

A spokesman said: "It was a toss-up. He was scanning the paper more avidly than usual so he was either going to get involved in the Ulster peace process or order lots of really cheap ice cream.

"Anyway, he saw the word 'unionists' and well, general pronunciation skills have never been his forte.

"I suggested that he call Cameron and before I knew it he shouted 'great idea, brain guy' and was on the phone congratulating her on her performance in My Sister's Keeper and asking her what she knew about 'onionism'.

"I sensed she was perplexed by the call as he kept say things like, 'you know, onionism… they had a big onion famine in the 1980s or something and now they are all either onionists or anti-onionists'."

He added: "They have met a couple of times before so he calls her either 'Joey Blonde', 'Mrs Shrek' or 'Legs McGillicuddy."

A spokesman for Diaz said: "Cameron is flattered that President Bush places so much store in her ability to help bring about change in Northern Ireland and has vowed to do all she can to either promote or attack onionism, depending on what it actually is."

 

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Government Backs Crocodile Insurance

EVERY crocodile owner in the UK will have to take out insurance under government plans to tackle 12 foot long killing machines with jaws of steel.

Home secretary Alan Johnson said that while Britain was a nation of animal lovers, it was probably time to do something about the thousands of massive crocodiles currently sitting in the middle of people's living rooms.

He added: "While we do not want to stop people from buying and owning crocodiles, I suppose we do all have a right not to be chased down the street by what is essentially a dinosaur and devoured in front of our local community."

The government now wants to amend the 1991 Dangerous Crocodilian Act which banned only a limited number of breeds including the West African Dwarf Crocodile, the Orinoco Crocodile and the Broad Snouted Caiman.

An RSCPA spokesman said: "A lot of horrid, working class men with tatoos buy crocodiles as status symbols, while many are used for illegal crocodile fighting. You should see that, by the way. It's completely mental."

But owners and breeders have urged the government not to discriminate, insisting many sub species can make excellent family pets, such as the Staffordshire Bull Crocodile.

Wayne Hayes, from Doncaster who owns an eight foot long Spectacled Caiman named 'Chico', said: "He doesn't need a muzzle. He's perfectly safe as long as I am holding onto him with this thin nylon rope."

The RSCPA spokesman added: "Many people buy baby crocodiles because they look cute, but within six months most of those people have had their face chewed off.

"In these circumstances I would say that a baby crocodile is just for Christmas.

"Best to simply flush it down the bog and forget about it."