Ferguson Distances Himself From Thing That Does Seem To Benefit Everyone Involved

MANCHESTER United manger Sir Alex Ferguson last night rejected claims he was involved in a plan that will help millionaires become richer and shut thousands of miserable fans the fuck up.

Ferguson said a plan by a group of City financiers, known as the Red Knights, to buy the club from the evil Glazer family while giving a greater say to ordinary supporters, offended his simultaneous beliefs in both capitalism and socialism.

Sitting atop his third favourite racehorse, Ferguson said he had always hated money and stressed he was comfortable with the concept of people power unless it accidentally led to actual people having actual power.

He insisted: "The Glazers, the Red Knights and myself will all no doubt make vile amounts of money from this revoltingly obvious thing to do, while the chances of the new owners replacing me with Avram Grant remain disgracefully non-existent."

Ferguson did also stress that if he is the person controlling the budget for new players and the person complaining he does not get enough money to buy new players,  it will simply increase the frequency with which he goes absolutely mental.

The Red Knights takeover bid is being organised by millionaire financiers Keith Harris, Jim O'Neill, Paul Marshall and Keith's best friend Orville.

Speaking through Orville, Harris said: "I wish I could fly way up to the sky in a consortium made up of high net worth individuals, private equity funds and supporter-shareholders with limited voting rights, but I can't."

Meanwhile the Glazer family have refused to relinquish control of the club insisting there are still some nice crispy bits of skin towards the back end they can pick at.

 

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Sugababes 'Date Back To Henry Viii'

AN EARLY form of Sugababes could have existed during the reign of King Henry VIII, it emerged last night.

Documents and paintings discovered in a secret chamber at Hampton Court Palace refer to a trio of female entertainers know as 'The Sweet Women', who wore low cut bodices and caked more cochineal and lead-based poster paint onto their faces than other ladies of the time.

Tom Logan, professor of applied sugababeology at Reading University, said: "When Henry wasn't dissolving monks or testing the thickness of his wife's neck fat, he liked to settle down with a teenage Spanish virgin, a big bucket of goats testicles and watch three high society ladies slut it up on the dance floor.

"We believe these women – Lady Charlotte D'Agney, Lady Elizabeth Villieux and the third one, Beyonce of Arundel, could very well have been the first in the long line of tone deaf jail-bait that evolved into the current Sugababes."

Professor Logan also discovered what he  believes is the ladies' journals, containing sonnets and poems such as Shake Your Junk, My Sovereign Lord and the upbeat, 16th century R'n'B standard Protestant Welsh Sex Toy.

He added: "And then there's the haunting ballad Need A Stuart Inside Me Tonight, hinting at unrequited love and the pressures of being trapped in a castle by a 25 stone lunatic with a jacket made of bears.

"We've also found a parchment with several pictures of what look like male genitalia and typical Tudor phrases such as 'Charlotte 4 Cardinal Wolsey 4 EVA' and 'Lois XII of France is a fucking bender'."

Until now, sugababeologists have estimated the original line-up formed around 1900 and has since included more than 3,000 singers including Dame Judi Dench, Viscount Whitelaw, Ian Ogilvy and that ropey bird from Eastenders who looks like a hawk.