Chelsea hires Supernanny

TV strop-wrangler Jo Frost will manage Chelsea until it behaves itself.

While sacked manager Andre Villas-Boas was criticised for his team selections, tactics and not telling Frank Lampard how brilliant he was at goals, the television childminder and guilty wankbank icon will place half the squad on the newly-constructed ‘spoiled piece of shit’ step.

Frost said: “Footballers need boundaries, so while letting David Luiz run around wherever he wanted on the pitch may have seemed kind it inevitably resulted in a tantrum and involuntary urination. From now on he needs permission from me before going over the halfway line.”

Frost will stay with the club until the players stop ‘acting out’ by running to the press or Roman Abramovich whenever they want another £20,000 a week. She will also teach Roberto Di Matteo positive affirmation techniques for those special days when everyone manages to avoid breaching the Race Relations Act.

John Terry, Chelsea’s 32 and a quarter-year old captain said: “Supernanny won’t let me pick the squad anymore but now, whenever I’m a good boy she gives me a big hug like the ladies in the magazines.”

Meanwhile, departing manager Villas-Boas has immediately found work after the FA have offered him the job of England manager in a bid to piss off all the right people.

An FA spokesman said: “He’s foreign and young which immediately alienates the kind of fans that treat train carriages like battle urinals.

“But the best part will be when Lampard and Terry saunter off the plane at Oslo for the friendly in May only to find Andre in the arrivals lounge telling them to shit off.”

 

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Catholics urged to oppose gay divorce

BRITAIN’S Catholics have been urged to defend the institution of marriage by campaigning against gay divorce.

Scientists have confirmed that divorce is the one thing that really does undermine marriage, paving the way for Catholics and other traditional Christians to oppose it in all its gay forms.

Monsignor Bill McKay said: “The idea of gay divorce is utterly grotesque. Those men whom God has joined together let no other man put asunder.

“The commitment at the heart of marriage is one of the essential building blocks of a healthy society. A minority of extremists must not be allowed to destroy that in the divorce courts.”

The move comes after researchers used state-of-the-art techniques to measure the undermine-ability of traditional marriage.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We attached electric pads to a man and wife, organised weddings for a wide range of different things and then switched on the undermine-ometer.

“We married a pig and a parrot, a cabbage and a shoe and a bag of frozen prawns and a crocodile made from Lego.

“None of these weddings had any affect whatsoever on the length and depth of the man and woman’s matrimonial waves.

“Then again the cabbage and the shoe are not currently having anal intercourse.

“Maybe we should balance the shoe on top of the cabbage, take a series of photos and then animate it so it looks like they are having rough, crazy sex, and then show this pornographic cartoon to the man and wife – in 3D –  and see if that undermines their marriage.

“That’s my afternoon sorted.”

From thre vaults:
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