Nasty little monkeys do horrible things

BONOBO monkeys are disgusting, according to new research.

Zoologists studying the so-called ‘erotic apes’ in the Congo have found their relentless perverted sex antics to be unbelievably repulsive.

Primatologist Doctor Emma Bradford said: “They’re just…eww.

“I’ve seen them spanking each other, doing stuff with fruit, just sticking their bits in any orifice, even a crocodile’s nostril.

“Plus they’ve got all ticks and fleas, bits of hair missing. I hate them.

“They’re gross.”

Since studying Bonobos in the wild, Dr Bradford has become convinced that they should not be protected in any way.

She said: “We should destroy them, and torch their sordid jungle ‘sex clearing’, burn it to the ground as if it never existed. Sorry, but they are a bad species.

“The thought of one of them touching me with its little grey fingers, I can’t even tell you, it’s so rank.”



Maths basically impossible

BRITAIN’S poor numeracy is the fault of maths for being so hard, experts have claimed.

The Institute for Studies found the reason almost 50% of the UK cannot do basic arithmetic is because maths is impossible to learn.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s easy to point the finger at individuals or the education system, but the real problem is with maths itself. It’s like a foreign language or something. Seriously, have you tried it lately?

“Have a go at some multiplication. I guarantee you will give up.”

He added: “The most straightforward ‘solution’ – if I may use a maths-y word –  is to ban maths altogether, then no-one would have to feel bad.”

Nikki Hollis, a sales manager from Stevenage, said: “I think if we stopped maths it may have some negative effects but the plus points would outweigh them.

“I have no idea what any of that means.”