Nasty little monkeys do horrible things

BONOBO monkeys are disgusting, according to new research.

Zoologists studying the so-called ‘erotic apes’ in the Congo have found their relentless perverted sex antics to be unbelievably repulsive.

Primatologist Doctor Emma Bradford said: “They’re just…eww.

“I’ve seen them spanking each other, doing stuff with fruit, just sticking their bits in any orifice, even a crocodile’s nostril.

“Plus they’ve got all ticks and fleas, bits of hair missing. I hate them.

“They’re gross.”

Since studying Bonobos in the wild, Dr Bradford has become convinced that they should not be protected in any way.

She said: “We should destroy them, and torch their sordid jungle ‘sex clearing’, burn it to the ground as if it never existed. Sorry, but they are a bad species.

“The thought of one of them touching me with its little grey fingers, I can’t even tell you, it’s so rank.”



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Maths basically impossible

BRITAIN’S poor numeracy is the fault of maths for being so hard, experts have claimed.

The Institute for Studies found the reason almost 50% of the UK cannot do basic arithmetic is because maths is impossible to learn.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s easy to point the finger at individuals or the education system, but the real problem is with maths itself. It’s like a foreign language or something. Seriously, have you tried it lately?

“Have a go at some multiplication. I guarantee you will give up.”

He added: “The most straightforward ‘solution’ – if I may use a maths-y word –  is to ban maths altogether, then no-one would have to feel bad.”

Nikki Hollis, a sales manager from Stevenage, said: “I think if we stopped maths it may have some negative effects but the plus points would outweigh them.

“I have no idea what any of that means.”