US athletes will take their own food to the Beijing Olympics after discovering the Chinese diet is alarmingly cheese-free.
The US team said they were appalled at the Chinese tradition of not using cheese, or at least artificial cheese, at every stage of the cooking process.
The American team diet will instead focus on the three main food groups: Cheese encrusted, cheese injected and cheese plated.
US team manager Tom Logan said: "As I looked through the brochure from the caterers, I just kept sayin' to myself, 'where in the hell is the goddamn cheese?'
"These goddamn spooks is askin' me to bring my boys half way round the world to eat a duck in a goddamn pancake? Sons o' bitches!"
He addded: "I ain't got no problem eatin' a broiled dog, a live eel or even a bucket full o' snakes, but for God sakes people, let's cheese it up!"
Meanwhile the Chinese have dismissed accusations of a fiendish plot to poison the athletes' food with illegal steroids.
Olympic official Li Feng said: "Chinese only use poison in traditional way – by tipping small amount into drink from special ring, then waving bottle of antidote in front of victim and laughing while they grab at throat and fall off chair. Aha ha ha!"