City to pay UEFA fine with Fernandinho and Jesus Navas

MANCHESTER City have offered two players to UEFA as office administrators, in payment for their £49m fine.

Footballers Fernandinho and Jesus Navas, who would be given lifelong photocopying duties at UEFA’s headquarters in Switzerland, are thought to oppose the move which would damage their international careers.

The pair would join Edinson Cavani of Paris Saint Germain, who was also handed over to UEFA to clear a fine and is currently working as a car park attendant.

Football blogger Joseph Turner said: “Football clubs increasingly see their players as cash assets and find them useful in settling urgent bills.

“David Moyes’s  severance settlement actually includes Rafael da Silva, and David Healy is still held by the Inland Revenue in Scotland in lieu of unpaid tax.

“Though following Hernan Crespo’s landmark lawsuit against Chelsea, players can no longer be bisected to pay two separate debts. I believe he’s still negotiating to get his legs back from Lazio.”

The practice is even beginning to be used in the lower leagues, with QPR manager Harry Redknapp admitting this week that striker Bobby Zamora was taken away by bailiffs as payment for an unpaid gas bill of £439.

Redknapp said: “To be fair, he was only part payment. We still owe about £200.”

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Dreadlocked caucasians demand to face more discrimination

WHITE people with dreadlocks are not facing as much discrimination as they would ideally like, it has emerged.

Matted hair owners claim that other than being broadly defined as ‘crusties’ and ‘trustafarians’ they were going largely unnoticed by mainstream society.

25-year-old Brighton resident Tom Logan, who prefers to be called Boz, said: “I can’t remember the last time someone shouted something in the street, and even then it was something non-commital like ‘have a bath mate’.

“Can’t they see that I don’t subscribe to their stupid materialist values, and am in fact a threat to the status quo?

“These dreads took years to grow, they’re bloody itchy, and right now I’m feeling like it was all a waste of time.”

Dreadlocked Emma Bradford, aka Trouser, said: “I’ve been able to get a series of jobs, nothing fancy admittedly and mostly in organic cafes but still I’m consistently being treated like a normal, unremarkable person.

“Which I’m not, obviously, because I’ve got unusual hair and a rusty van with pictures of animals on it. Also I can stay upright on a unicycle for up to three minutes at a time.”

She added: “Someone needs to oppress me. Maybe they could bring back punks just so they can chase us around town centres.”