Cruise To Heal Beckham With Dianetic Mind Poultice

ENGLAND'S World Cup hopes were back on track last night after Tom Cruise said he could heal his friend David Beckham using nothing more than a simple Dianetic mind poultice.

The Hollywood superstar said he had treated more than 10 million injuries exactly like Beckham's and that the midfielder would soon achieve the physical perfection of the mighty Thetan overlords who invented football more than 15 trillion years ago.

Dr Julian Cook, director of the L Ron Hubbard Sports Injury Clinic, said: "If you were to examine David you would see that he has in fact pulled the tendons inside his brain and they can only be unpulled with the timely application of a grade-four mind poultice."

According to Cook the treatment will involve Cruise putting on a skin-tight silver jumpsuit, a pair of protective goggles and the Electric Gloves of Arkammon before sitting very carefully on Beckham's face.

He added: "David must lie perfectly still while Tom slowly rubs his bottom against the nose and forehead using small circular motions and humming very gently.

"The super-intelligent healing electricity from Tom's armpits will pass down his spinal column before being fired at high speed out of his anus and into David's nostrils where it will then make its way to the injured brain tendons."

An FA source said: "This has to work. Defensively we're strong and Rooney's on fire but we are short of options when it comes to whiny-voiced clothes horses with comprehensively unbearable wives."

Meanwhile the Beckham injury brings the number of potential England excuses to four including altitude, car-jacking and a fresh wave of John Terry skank explosions.

A spokesman for Cruise said last night: "This is an act of friendship and no money or favours are expected in return, though if David did want to get a tattoo on his back which depicts Tom sitting on his face that would be a lovely gesture."


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Lib Dems Pledge 20% Increase In Semen-Filled Tube Socks

NICK Clegg has pledged to raise the amount of semen coating the inside of Britain's tube socks by at least a fifth.

The Lib Dem leader said the UK economy had become over reliant on financial services at the expense of ejaculating all over your thighs in front of a flickering TV screen at three o'clock in the morning.

He added: "I want to live in a country filled with randy middle-aged women in too much make-up who just want to suck me all day long.

"I want to live in a country where people treat each other with respect while at all times retaining the inalienable right to be treated like the filthy bitches they are."

The semen-filled tube sock increase is one of the party's four conditions for coalition government alongside scrapping tuition fees for thousands of horny teenage sluts, equipping Britain's police with state of the art vibrating truncheons and slipping nine inches of red hot proportional representation between your lightly oiled bumcheeks.

Clegg has also commissioned Lib Dem candidate Anna Arrowsmith to develop ideas on how Britain can cover its tits with soap and take it up the dirt box until it barks like a dog.

Ms Arrowsmith, the candidate for Gravesham in Kent, has become a major ideological force within the party after pioneering the concept of Liberal Democrat pornography in the late 1990s.

Her work led to the party's flagship policy of scrapping income tax on the first £10,000 you earn from delivering a pizza or fixing a leaky pipe only to end up having hard sex on top of a tumble drier.

Arrowsmith said: "Lib Dem porn is about fairness, it's about progress and it's about taking it at both ends as I explored in my 1998 documentary Your Face, My Balls 7.

"That was the one where Vince Cable finally has his day of reckoning with a broom handle covered in creme fraiche."