Daley Thompson denies responsibility for broken joysticks

SPORTING legend Daley Thompson has rejected claims that he is personally responsible for millions of pounds-worth of broken 1980s computer hardware.

Daley Thompson’s Decathlon was one of the ’80s most popular computer games. But its reliance on a frantic waggling motion to operate Daley’s character allegedly destroyed thousands of joysticks and left players with permanently damaged wrists.

The former decathlete was confronted by an angry former Spectrum owner during an Olympics press conference where he had been hating on Steve Redgrave.

Before being dragged off by security, Roy Hobbs said: “You cost me the best joystick I ever had! How could you possibly devise a game based entirely on repetitive lateral movements?

“You owe me £13.99 for an new Quickshot II Autofire, you sporty shit!”

Thompson said: “Firstly, I didn’t write the game, I just endorsed it. The rest was done by nerds.

“Secondly, you shouldn’t have played it so much. If your joystick did break maybe it was an indication that maybe it was time to go outside.”

Technology historian Nikki Hollis said: “I think Daley is, at the very least, guilty of double standards. His Decathlon gave a very mixed message that both sport and computer games were good, when we all know they aren’t compatible.

“My brother played Decathlon on his ZX Spectrum, using its rubber keys. He got so frantic on the 100 metres that they melted onto his hands, leaving him without fingerprints.

“This meant that legally he did not have an identity. So he was unable to be a part of society and became a drug addict.”



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Jack the Ripper to light Olympic flame

THE enduringly popular Victorian serial killer Jack the Ripper will light the Olympic flame, it has emerged.

Jack, who is still robust at over 100 years old because of black magic rituals, will carry the Olympic torch along the final leg of its journey while playfully brandishing a scalpel at the crowd.

Olympics boss Lord Coe said: “Jack the Ripper is an iconic East London figure, and a record holder in his own way, albeit for murdering prostitutes rather than sport.

“And I think we can all identify with him. I mean, who hasn’t thought about cleansing the streets of the filthy painted harlots who mock the Almighty with their bestial cavorting?

“Also he comes from an era when everything was gas lamps so he’s very confident around naked flames.”

The Olympic opening ceremony will culminate with Jack brutally eviscerating mascots Mandeville and Wenlock on a special platform painted with weird Masonic symbols.

A range of official Olympics Ripper Jack merchandise is now on sale, including dolls of Jack himself and his many victims, which come complete with removable internal organs.

Tourist Tom Booker said: “Without Jack the Ripper we probably wouldn’t have the CSI franchises and other great police procedural television. He was the first really interesting murderer.

“I just hope he respects the rights of the sponsors and doesn’t do anything controversial like wearing a Reebok top hat.”