Dave Whelan invites Jewish friends over for sweet and sour pork

WIGAN Athletic owner Dave Whelan is to reach out to his many Jewish friends with a lavish pork banquet.

Responding to claims of anti-semitism and racism, Whelan has spent thousands on a vast array of dishes, which he revealed were all prepared by a ‘real, live Chinese person’.

He said: “We’ve got sweet and sour pork, crispy pork, spare ribs and pork wontons. Just like you would get from your local Chinese restaurant. No doubt run by a lovely Chinese family.”

He added: “I know my Jewish friends love Chinese food. Almost as much as they love a wide variety of other things.

“I’m going to invite them all over tonight, as soon as they get back from church.”

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Loch Ness Monster sighting was just branch wearing Tam o’ Shanter

EXPERTS have dismissed recent sightings of the Loch Ness Monster as nothing more than floating wood wearing a tartan bonnet.

The legend of the monster draws hundreds of thousands of tourists every year hoping that an angry dinosaur will emerge from the loch and go on a bloody rampage.

But Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Branches are washed down the river from a wood near the loch, and that same river happens to go past a tam o’ shanter warehouse which uses it to get rid of industrial waste.

“Once tangled together in the loch, the branch and hat must have snagged on a discarded set of bagpipes which, when the wind blew through them, made a sound not unlike Flower of Scotland and a Glaswegian voice hurling abuse.

“As always, there’s a perfectly rational explanation.”