Arsenal-United game to be five-a-side

INJURY-HIT Arsenal and Manchester United have agreed to field only five players each for tomorrow’s game.

No swearing or the manager tells you off

The match, which has been moved from the Emirates Stadium to the nearby York Hall Leisure Centre, will be played indoors on a wooden surface with both teams wearing plimsolls.

United currently have 12 first-team players injured while Arsenal have lost key players Ozil and Koscielny with a further six presenting notes from their mothers saying they are too ill to play.

Arsene Wenger said: “These excuses are undoubtedly authentic, as all our players are extremely enthusiastic about playing for the club this season.

“If forced to field eleven players we would have had to select under-12 players, members of the catering staff and Yaya Sanogo.”

The game will have a strict no tackling policy and will finish after 55 minutes so everyone can have one of the Lucozades and packets of McCoys Ryan Giggs brings along.

An FA spokesman said: “Technically this is in breach of rules.

“But we’ve okayed it because whichever way it goes, this match will have no impact on the outcome of the Premier League whatsoever.”

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St George’s Cross house is workers' cooperative

THE Rochester house covered in England flags is a Marxist commune, it has emerged.

The lesbian collective are furious at Labour MP Emily Thornberry, who resigned after tweeting a picture of the house yesterday, for misunderstanding their abstract art installation.

Chairperson Nikki Hollis said: “White is the Chinese colour symbolising death and the red represents menstruation, made into a cross as a figurative prison for womanhood.

“The van was there because we’re all ready to tour some of the UK’s most deprived areas working with women to create similar tapestries bringing out their internalised misogyny for the first time.

“We hung out three of them to make it incredibly clear. I guess some people are just bigots.”

Rochester residents will discuss the issue at Sunday’s Celebrating Diversity Fun Day, where more than 15,000 people will gather barefoot to meditate and share simple vegan meals.

Hollis said: “Ms Thornberry, and the life traumas she has suffered that cause her to judge others based on surface appearances, will be in our non-denominational prayers.”