Dyson told to invent a toaster that’s not a heap of shit

JAMES Dyson has been told to shut up and invent a toaster that is not a useless bag of piss.

The vacuum cleaner man continues to make products that incrementally improve on stuff that already works when he could have been sorting out the toaster situation.

Martin Bishop, a toaster owner from Stevenage, said: “It’s never the same twice. Ever. I think it might be artificially stupid. I hate it more than Nazis.

“Please Mr Dyson, do your magic with a toaster so I can smash this pile of bollocks to pieces with an iron bar.”

Karen Davis, from Peterborough, added: “Sometimes it toasts the way I want it to, but it takes absolutely fucking ages. But mostly I have to monitor it constantly, popping the bread up to check its progress three or four times. And I just stand there and take it, like an arsehole.

“I swear to god, if I find the creature who designed it…”

Jane Thompson, from Hatfield, said: “I want a toaster that just toasts bread according to my exact specifications, quickly and efficiently. Rather than this hellish symphony of smoke and tears that makes me want to claw at my wretched face and then set fire to everything in the world.

“You’ve got three months, Dyson. Three months.”


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Russian webcam hackers fascinated by dreariness of UK lives

THE Russian hackers who broke into 500 UK webcams are transfixed by the sheer lack of event in British lives.

Victims were alerted to the security breach when heavily-accented voices from their computers marvelled that they were not even speaking to each other.

Russian hacker Timur Bobkov said: “Life in the West has been sold to us as a never-ending cycle of thrilling consumption and glittering parties.

“But on your webcam we see only man watching television, man watching television, man scratching crotch and picking nose with same hand while continuing to watch television.

“On Russian webcam we see man go berserk drinking jet fuel, six-girl orgies, gun raids of meth-cooking operations, but somehow I am unable to turn away from your empty lives.

“When you open box of Maltesers I am almost as thrilled as you are. Is pathetic.”